Normandy Memoires
by randompandemic
Summary: On Alchera lie the remnants of the legendary Normandy, the ship that took down Sovereign, the ship that saved the Citadel, the ship that was the grave of Commander Jemma Shepard. What is but a monument now once was a home to a crew, through good times and bad. These are their stories. (Collection of scenes from life on the Normandy; rated M for later explicit content)
1. Final Log

**Final Log  
**

_Scattered across the ice, broken to pieces, lost parts. I am empty, I am hollow, I am dead. Told all my stories, given all my lives. Some moved on, some stayed in frozen eternity, with me. _

_Pressure normal. Oxygen levels critical. Hull damage irreparable. Temperature loss critical. _

_Casualties accounted for: 21._

_Final location: Alchera._

_I am an empty husk of what I used to be._

_I have been out here for a long time, in silence, alone. But she came back. Her shuttle approaches and lands near my wreckage, she gets out of it, I know her instantly._

_Commander Shepard of the SSV Normandy. Oh Captain, my Captain. She has given life to me, to something that never was meant to live. She has given stories and memories to me, stories I never got to tell, stories that are lost now, and all the stories that never got to happen. _

_She is alone when she walks through the boneyard that once was me. She's lost in memories, too, just as I am. She was once lost down here, just as I am. But they came for her, they took her with them and brought her back. And now she flies a ship that looks like me but does not feel like me, she knows. _

_63,072,000 seconds. 1,051,200 minutes. 17,520 hours. 730 days. _

_Two years._

_She drags herself past the Mako and for a moment, her mind was not in the wreckage._

_She was on the cargo deck, Garrus Vakarian stalking the Mako with a data pad in hands, doing some calibrations, complaining loudly._

_"You drive like you're on the run from a mental hospital. How do you expect me to keep fixing this?" he says. I can hear his voice, so vivid and clear, as if he were there. _

_The cockpit, with Joker – my Joker – complaining about their mess food or the uncomfortable seats or the leak in the men's room. But when no one is watching, he caresses the controls like he would a lovers skin and he whispers to me and he cares, I know he does. _

_The engine room, were Tali was marvelling the drive core most of the time and Adams was marvelling Tali, marvelling the drive core. I like the quarian, she speaks a language I understand, better than the others, and she feels and knows when something is not right with me. _

_The lab, where Liara would always be studying some artefact they had recovered on a seemingly abandoned planet, all the random stuff she picked up on any cruise she went on, collecting shiny trinkets of prothean origin, like a magpie with a degree._

_The med bay, where Dr. Chakwas, oh bless her, was patching them up against all their resistance because they were marines and marines knew no pain but she just laughed and threatened with a colonoscopy – that helped with shutting them up._

_The crew deck, where Ensign Talitha Draven cheats her male crewmates out of their last pants at cards but Shepard would just let her continue, because these boys could do with being schooled once in a while. _

_There, that blown up terminal, where Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko used to work, how he would sit there, lost in thoughts, rubbing his temples when he felt another headache coming on, but still always had a smile for Shepard. They thought they were being so subtle, it was… adorable. _

_The armoury, where Ashley Williams would spend hours meticulously cleaning parts while quoting poetry at Adams in a battle of wits, Wrex laughing his roaring laugh when the engineer raised the white flag because Ashley was just that quick with words, even the profound, literary ones. _

_And there, high and mighty, the CIC, my heart and soul, in quite good condition still. The CIC, where Pressly used to complain, and laugh, and give that look that just said 'We didn't have that in my days' like he was suddenly the oldest thing on board. Oh how he had complained about Shepard's choices of crew. I had all his logs, his secrets, his concern he never voiced. But he had come around. And he gave his life for that crew and for me. _

_All these stories that had died with me, all these memories, whispered in my broken walls._

_She stood there long, at the CIC, lost in thoughts, before she placed the monument right there. For Pressly. For Talitha. For Ashley. For everyone who had never made it past here. For herself. Because really, she had never made it past here either. And maybe that was a good thing. If she really were the same woman, would her heart be able to bear all the things she lost? All the stories that could never be told. _

_She leaves, returns to her new, shiny ship, the new Normandy. I stay behind. Broken and cold and alone, with a monument in my heart. A soaring Normandy, off to new adventures I would never have._

_Pressure normal. Oxygen levels critical. Hull damage irreparable. Temperature loss critical. _

_Casualties accounted for: 21._

_Final location: Alchera._


	2. Recalcitrant Charm

**Recalcitrant Charm**

_Pressure levels normal. Oxygen levels normal. Temperature: 19°C, stable. _

_Location: Arcturus Station. _

_Standard Time: 2183.11.04_

* * *

"And that was when I knew I had to get the hell out of there. Like, seriously, I can deal with some kinky stuff, hehehe... but _me_, in _that_ kind of swing, yeah that's just not gonna happen!" Joker declared as the two of them walked onto the bridge. Kaidan Alenko laughed aloud while he dropped his bag next to the navigator's seat and took out his data pad and diagnostic tools. Their pilot put aside his crutches and carefully dropped into his chair. "So there we are, both naked, with that thing between us. Told her that _maybe_ she should find someone with the bones for it, because that one bone apparently wasn't enough for her," Joker finished his tale of awkward hook-ups during shore leave.

"What did she say?"

"My bone wasn't that impressive anyways."

"Oh, ouch."

"Yeah, can you believe it? People are cruel. Spaceships are the better people. Right, baby?" Joker asked as he leaned over to caress the console of his perfect, brand new spaceship. Alenko laughed and nodded. "How was your shore leave? Any ladies or gentlemen I should know of, buddy?"

"Nope, no one, I'm afraid. Boring two weeks, just helping my mom and dad with the house."

"Well, I'd much rather have that than ending up with some strange lady with a medical kink…" Joker admitted, before they prepared for take-off. The Normandy on her shakedown run, letting the beast out of the cage for the first time, allowing her to spread her wings properly, let that drive core roar. One after the other, the crew dripped in. Pressly was instructing a team of young little navigators, just waved at Alenko and Joker on his way to the CIC. Jenkins dropped in for a chat, he was beyond excited.

"Her first flight, I am stoked! Is it true we're going to Eden Prime? I'm from there, it's the most boring colony in the Galaxy!"

"That's what the log says, yes," Alenko confirmed.

"Have you seen the changes in the crew roster, though? They made them just this morning," Joker added and pulled out the datapad with the crew assignments. "Bet Pressly is super-pissed that he won't be XO after all."

"If there's anyone who should be pissed it's the Commander. If they took command from me on my first mission in charge, I'd be furious," Alenko commented.

"Did you see her? I just ran into her on the way here. She's really pretty, not what I expected at all," Jenkins declared.

"What did you expect? Some old Alliance hag? She's like, what... 30?"

"29," Alenko corrected their pilot. "Youngest Star of Terra recipient to date, for her contribution during the Skyllian Blitz."

"Look who did his homework!"

"I just like to – oh, hey Doc! – I just like to know who's in charge on the ship," Alenko clarified, only briefly interrupted by medical officer Dr. Karin Chakwas, who had just entered the ship.

Right behind her, the Captain entered. Suddenly there was order on the bridge, Kaidan Alenko was on his feet and saluted and while Joker did not jump up, he turned his chair and saluted there. Jenkins was massively nervous at the sight of the uniformed man. Captain David Anderson was an awe inspiring man in his forties, dressed in formal, dark blue uniform, his slightly greying hair cut short. His dark skin was marked with old scars on his cheeks. He held his shoulders squared, his back straight when he nodded to greet the crew.

"Sir!" they declared.

"At ease, gentlemen," Anderson said, his voice calm and orderly. He then turned towards the airlock again. He was followed by another man, who was no man at all. Behind Anderson was a turian.

There was something monstrous about him. He was clad in dark, heavy armour, his reptilian like face marked with white lines of war paint, reminiscent of wings. He clutched his hands behind his back and walked with his chin high, petrol green eyes scanning his surroundings. Anderson addressed him directly. "As you can see, we did a few minor alterations to the cockpit. But down here, the CIC, we incorporated turian design, as was suggested."

"I see. She has a certain... recalcitrant charm to her," the turian responded in a smooth tone that suggested indifference. The ship did not impress him in the least.

The three men on the bridge watched as the Captain took the turian visitor with him to CIC, then Jenkins jumped around.

"Holy shit, did you see that guy?!" he asked.

"Um, we do have eyes, you know?" Joker said sceptically while he put on his cap and turned back front

"No, I mean, that was Nihlus Kryik! He's a Spectre of the Council! What's he doing here?!" Jenkins asked, now even more excited than before, if that was at all possible.

"He probably was sent to make sure the Normandy was in order. The Council funded the project after all..." Kaidan said while he took his seat next to Joker and began running final diagnostics.

"I don't like him. My baby isn't 'recalcitrant' – what even is that word?! She's a real lady, with feeling! I will not have her insulted. He got something against her, he'll have to take it up with me..." Joker mumbled while he was adjusting all his little quirky setting. Eventually, the Captains voice resounded throughout the ship.

"All hands on deck, we're taking our young lady for a ride."

Few minutes later, Joker was navigating them out of the station and into the darkness. Space, that infamous 'final frontier' humanity had dreamed of for so long. Then they had gone out to conquer it and now the disillusionment was catching up with them. There was no romantic dream out there. Just more bureaucracy and paperwork.

The Normandy cut through vacuum, smooth and soundless, soaring like a leaf on the wind, elegant, fast. A beautiful ship. The most beautiful Kaidan had ever been on.

She was a fresh start for a lot of them. Leaving behind their past, forgetting wrong choices that had been made. This was good, for all of them. And for those with no past burdens, like Jenkins, it was a new adventure altogether. After all, you never really forget your first ship.

They were halfway past the Jupiter orbit on their approach of the Charon Relay by the time he heard unfamiliar steps approach the bridge. It was a walk Kaidan did not know, so it had to be someone from the new crew.

As it so happens, the first Kaidan Alenko ever saw of the love of his life were her boots when she entered the bridge. She walked over to his seat and more of her came to his attention – long legs and a firm body in Alliance uniform. Lean muscles in a solid frame, shoulders proportionally broad, a long neck, sharp jaw line, full lips, green almond-shaped eyes framed by dark, thick lashes, chocolate brown hair in a tight bun. Everything about her was perfect. The kind of woman that should not exist.

"Lieutenant Alenko?" she asked, her voice sharp, firm, the tone that could yell orders across a battlefield or give roaring speeches. But at the same time, there was nothing hard or mean to her question, making it unmistakably clear that she was not here bearing ill will. It was not until she had addressed him with his title that he noticed the insignia on her uniform, that added up to identify her as his superior officer. He jumped out of his chair and saluted.

"Commander!" he greeted. So this was the XO he had read about in the crew dossiers. The hero of the Skyllian Blitz, an Alliance legend: Commander Shepard, N7 special ops, biotic Vanguard who had single handedly defended an entire colony overrun by batarian mercenaries. She was a bloody hero! All the more surprising was her smile.

"At ease. I am running into resistance logging in at my terminal. Pressly tells me you're the one to talk to?"

_Damn, dodgy new systems_. He let go of a sigh. The systems had been 'resisting' in every single test run so far and he thought he had by now evened out all the little bugs. Clearly, that had been optimistic.

"Uh, yes, I'll… just finish this up and then I'll have a look at you," he said while checking how far his diagnostics had rolled. Suddenly he realised how very shifty that sounded. He had to clear his throat, shook his head violently. "Your log-in problem… Ma'am," he quickly added, avoiding the woman's intense gaze that made him feel like he was stripped of his uniform and had every little detail of his person to answer for. She had that ability, it would seem. Reducing you to the very essence of your self under her firm gaze, forcing you to evaluate if you could do better than what you did right now. It was her burning way of driving people to be the best versions of themselves.

But when he looked up at her again, she was smiling and nodded before her gaze wandered into orbit like she was home out there. Years later, he would still vividly remember the first thing he thought about Shepard: _'What a fascinating creature she is.'_

* * *

_**Author's Note:**  
_

_I should be righting a million other things. Instead, I am following these dorks around space..._

_I have a lot of random scenes from the Normandy in my mind that I might as well put to paper, since I have zero inspiration for anything that does not involve Kaidan and Shepard being ridiculously obviously in love. So here they are, my Normandy Memoires - tales from the SR-1. Every one of these little pieces will be set on board the ship, I will not get off the ship, any and all things off-ship will only be mentioned. I'll incorporate various POVs, but mostly Shep and Kaidan. And there will be smut later, you're welcome ^^ _

_I know things like this probably have been done to death, I'm really just posting it for fun because if I can't get anything else to paper at the moment, I might as well share what I have. So enjoy and comment if you feel like it. _

_Also, this is a direct companion to my one-shot 'Objects in Space' - or rather, Objects in Space is a part of this larger collection. So if you want, check that out under my stories as well._

_Now, have fun!_


	3. X's and O's

**X's and O's**

_Pressure levels normal. Oxygen levels normal. Temperature: 19°C. _

_Location: approach run, Charon Relay, T minus 19 minutes. _

_Standard Time: 2183.11.02_

* * *

The captain's quarters were not particularly more comfortable than any of the crew quarters. But they were private and sometimes that was a nice change.

Captain David Anderson sat at his desk, a glass of scotch with just a small sip and a few rocks in it on his desk while he was going over crew dossiers, mission briefings, and mostly Nihlus' concerns and assessment of the ship status. While he valued the turian's input, skills and achievements, that bastard was annoying as all hell. He literally had something to complain about in every tiny corner of the ship and by the time they had reached the crew deck, Anderson was convinced Nihlus just complained for the sake of it.

The dossier he inspected right now was one he knew in and out. Knew the person behind the name better than he knew himself, sometimes. He had known her from the first lost tooth right to her most recent reaction to being named Commander.

Hannah Shepard's eldest daughter.

He remembered the last talk he had with Hannah, a few weeks ago on the Arcturus. _He remembered seeing the Kilimanjaro dock, not much later its Captain had shown up on the station in formal dress blue's. To this very day, Anderson believed Hannah Shepard was the most beautiful woman in the Galaxy and when she smiled at him then, all red lips and bright, green eyes, it reaffirmed that thought. Hannah wore her hair short again, like she had during most of her active duty years. The last time he had seen her was when she had just returned to active duty, three or four years ago. She seemed a bit smaller than she used to, but no less a hurricane disguised as a human._

_Her daughter was much like her that way._

_"It's been too long, David," Hannah would greet, got to her tiptoes to press a light kiss on Anderson's cheek like it meant nothing, like she would kiss a brother. He could still feel it. Some juvenile crushes never quite died. He had long given up any chances of a life with her. She was not made for it and she had made that very clear. Her marriage to John Shepard had not lasted either, although they had tried, for their daughters. But ultimately, Hannah Shepard's one true love was space, her ship, her crew, the vastness of the Galaxy out there, waiting for her to explore. Again, much like her eldest. "I heard that prototype frigate is almost out of the assembly hall? Can't wait to see her. If you're looking for a pilot, I came across an excellent dossier the other day, a-"_

_"Jeff Moreau. We already have him signed on."_

_He was not surprised the Captain knew about Moreau. She did not say how, but he had his theory: She had probably run into him when taking her younger daughter, Rukia Shepard, to the treatment centre for her Vrolik Syndrome. _

_She would smile._

_"Of course you have. Will you be commanding the frigate yourself? I somehow can't picture you outside the Hastings. You've been on that ship forever..."_

_"I won't be commanding the Normandy, no. In fact, we're considering giving her to your daughter."_

_"Jemma? Are you promoting her?" Hannah would ask._

_"It's about time, isn't it?"_

_The proud mother would smile and nod._

_"It sure is..."_

_"Give it two years and you'll have another Captain Shepard in the family."_

_"Rookie will be so proud of her big sister..."_

_After that, they had talked about meaningless things, he barely remembered anything, had been too busy watching her, soaking every minute in because God only knew when he'd see her again. They had went for a few drinks, then their ways parted. They had hugged just briefly. Really, had she always been this small?_

Now he sat here, in his quiet little cabin. It should not even be his. Shepard should be in here, but the sudden interference by the Council had thrown all plans over board. Nihlus showing up on the Arcturus, the conference call with Ambassador Udina and Admiral Hackett and in the end, he was suddenly in charge of the Normandy, had a Spectre on board whose sole reason for being here was to assess the girl Anderson considered his daughter. Shepard as a Spectre. Following his footsteps, hopefully doing a better job than he had. After all he had put that girl through, giving her this opportunity was the least he could do. After Elysium... she needed this.

He had watched over her entire career, mainly because Hannah had asked him to. And for Hannah… well, there was not a thing he would not do.

He had watched her during her training, had watched her rise to her challenges on Elysium like no other could have. And he had, painfully, watched her fall apart after it. He had seen her at her darkest, lowest point.

She had been just a girl and they had broken her, he knew that. Deep down, he knew the Alliance was to blame for what had happened to her after that war. She had been dragged from military ball to ceremonials, to memorials, to interviews about her grand achievement and about the men she had watched die. Her trauma was ignored, because they needed her to be a symbol. The brutality she had seen, the slaughter of civilians and her unit alike, it had been ignored. She had been only 22, half a child,and they had thrown her to the wolves. She had fallen through the cracks in the system and he blamed himself for it, always would.

He considered that biggest failure as a commanding officer. He had let her down. So, he had done everything humanly possible to help her get to her feet again. She had fought him, had blamed him, she had been so full of hate, so disappointed, so broken. It had been a long, painful struggle and he had never thought she would ever forgive him. But she had. And here she was now, a Commander, soon to be commanding officer of her own ship, the fastest, most advanced ship of the fleet. That would be just the start and he could not be more proud of her. She had been his greatest failure, now she was his greatest success.

David Anderson did not believe in many things in this Galaxy, but he _did_ believe in this young woman.

He heard the door slide open and when he looked up, Shepard saluted.

"Sir, everything is in order, we're approaching the Relay and should reach Eden Prime at T minus 2 hours."

"Excellent," Anderson commanded and turned in his chair. Shepard still stood in salute. "At ease, Commander."

"Sir."

"How are you doing? I know you're probably upset that you're not in charge…"

"Serving as your XO is a great honour, Sir," she immediately declared. He nodded.

"Thanks. But it's not quite what you signed up for, isn't it? I've known you many years now, Shepard. You know if there is one person I believe can command this ship, it's you. But for now, there is a different calling for you. You'll make the Alliance proud."

She would, he knew that.

"Thank you for your trust, Sir. I'll do my best to be a worthy XO."

"Oh, you bet. Now, what's your opinion on the crew so far?"

"Well, I haven't met most of them yet. Pressly seems nice enough, if a bit conservative – and disappointed. Flight Lieutenant Moreau is doing an excellent job."

"He's the best pilot the Alliance has to offer. Comes with your mother's commendation, by the way. We can count ourselves extremely lucky to have him," Anderson confirmed.

"I agree. And... Staff Lieutenant Alenko seems a valuable asset, though I can't assess his proficiency in combat."

"Alenko is one of the finest biotics I have ever had the pleasure to witness in action. I dare say he makes even you look amateurish," Anderson admitted.

"Well, I'm afraid that is not too difficult…" Shepard admitted, considering her own biotics were rudimentary at best. Anderson laughed and saw her smirk a little. "But yes, he seems... fine. A fine soldier, Sir."

"That he is. Well, can I ask you to find our turian guest and tell him to meet me here?"

"Of course, Sir. May I... may I ask why he's here?"

"Council business."

He knew that was an insufficient reply, but it would have to do. For now. He could not tell her yet, she would have to wait. And she would.

She saluted once more and Anderson watched her leave.

* * *

**_Author's Note:_**

_I have to say I did not read the comics, so I have just a vague idea about Anderson's past and I am admittedly too lazy to look it all up... so bear with me. I also have the headcanon that Anderson had a major crush on Shep's mom - kinda like Kaidan starts out with that huge crush on Shep, with the difference that the latter ends in a healthy relationship, while the former will probably never go past a crush. Also, Hannah Shepard is awesome in my head, Alliance super-mom! She'll show up in later scenes as well._

_And yeeees, Alenko is mighty fine :P _

_Hope you enjoyed it, see you guys around for more ^^ _


	4. 15 Hours

**15 Hours**

_Pressure levels normal. Oxygen levels normal. Temperature: 19 °C._

_Location: approach run, Widow system, Citadel, T minus 27 hours. _

_Standard Time: 2183.12.02_

* * *

In the 15 hours Commander Shepard was out cold, Kaidan Alenko had come to the conclusion that he would never forgive himself if she suffered because of him again.

He had carried the Commander to the Normandy, she had been suffering mild seizures on the way, but he was certain she was not even conscious, seemed trapped in her own mind. He had carried her to the med bay, nothing else had mattered. He vaguely remembered Anderson yelling something at him that could have just as easily been in a foreign tongue, he understood none of it. He had put the Commander on one of the stretchers in the med bay and seconds later, Dr. Chakwas was all over her.

He watched, paralysed. The Commander looked grey, lifeless, but tense, her muscles were clenching, her jaws, her eyes were nervous behind closed lids. Chakwas ran several tests within the first minutes of their arrival and Kaidan just stood there, frozen. He was not a particularly religious man, but in that moment he prayed to any Higher Power that would listen, to save her.

He was so focused that he barely notice that he was swaying until he stumbled against William's shoulder.

"Woah there! LT, are you okay? Your nose is bleeding."

Chakwas looked back at William's call.

"Sit down, Lieutenant. Tell me what happened," she demanded to know. Kaidan sat down, his hands shaking, colours swirling before his eyes. He had to close them for a moment, steady his breath. His head was throbbing with pain, perhaps one of the worst headaches he had had since the implant. He was grateful for Chakwas handing him a kidney dish, just in case. Wouldn't be the first migraine that ended in him rethinking his meal choices.

"It was the beacon, Ma'am. The Lieutenant was caught in some kind of force field around it. The Commander got him out and was caught by it instead. Then it exploded," Williams reported in his stead. Chakwas nodded, quietly concerned, and used her omni-tool to run diagnostics on him instead. She stopped twice, then nodded.

"You overheated your implant, Lieutenant. Probably there was a data influx from the beacon. That might be why it exploded, when the Commander interrupted the data stream from the beacon to you, it might have gone into overload," she speculated. He then felt her hand on his arm. "She saved your life. Just a few seconds more and your implant might well have fried your brain."

She returned to Shepard's side and Kaidan looked at the unconscious woman who had saved his life. Who was now in this state because of him, because he had been careless. He should have known better than to approach the beacon without preparation. He should have known better! He had risked her life and his own because he had been curious.

"Will… will she be alright…?"

"I think so. I can't see anything physically wrong with her. Her implant looks fine, her vitals are strong, she's perfectly healthy. I assume whatever data the beacon tried to transfer, her brain is currently struggling with that. I guess once it is done, she'll come around. Don't worry… she's tough, she'll be fine."

"This is my fault, if anything happens to her, I…"

Again, Chakwas took his arm and shook her head.

"Don't beat yourself up, Lieutenant. She will be fine. It's not your fault. But if it makes you feel any better, stay and watch over her. You can't very well go anywhere like this anyways."

The doctor smiled and he nodded quietly.

So he sat and waited. Williams was eventually called out by Anderson to debrief. Kaidan stayed.

Two body bags were rolled in, through the med bay to the morgue. Nihlus and Jenkins. Jenkins. He could still see his arms flap about before his body unspectacularly hit the ground, not even a scream escaped his lips. That was a soldiers death, was it not? Unspectacular, quick, brutal, nothing heroic about it, nothing romantic like the recruitment ads made it sound. Dying on the edge of humanities final frontier was a terribly unromantic business. And Nihlus? Shot in the back by someone he knew, someone he trusted, the last sentiment he knew was treason. What a way to go.

Kaidan watched as their bodies were taken away, shuddered at the thought it could have been any of them. But he stayed. When the first wave of headaches past, he dared get up and as if he had lurked outside, Anderson stormed in and ordered him to a debriefing in the comm room.

Kaidan was reluctant to leave but an order was an order. He took one last look at the unconscious Commander, then followed the Captain. The debriefing took about an hour and it was a bit of a blur in Kaidan's memory. He gave a detailed report of basically every step they had taken on Eden Prime. Of the drones they encountered, how Jenkins died, how they found Williams pursued by geth – or what they well assumed to be geth. Of the two scientists they found near the dig site. Of the modified, dead humans they called 'husks' for lack of a better word, of the strange ship they saw disappear in orbit, of the hiding farmers and their smuggling ring near the space port, of how they found Nihlus and how one of the dockworkers had seen what had happened, the mention of Saren, the warheads they had disarmed to save the colony, and finally, the beacon… Anderson listened to everything, demanded every little detail, and he asked repeatedly about Nihlus' death (_'Saren? Really? Did he say Saren? Are you absolutely positive he said Saren? A turian named Saren? And did you see any sign of Saren yourself?'_).

When he was done, Anderson ordered him to change out of his armour, shower, eat something, get rest. He did. He showered, changed back into uniform, got food from the crew deck and went to the med bay to eat it. Chakwas was busy doing paperwork, Shepard's condition had not changed. He just sat by her side while he ate.

Chakwas ordered him to get some rest. He tried. Rolled around restless in his bunk for about two hours before he got up again and returned to the med bay.

No change.

He sat down by her side and, in hopeless need of something to cling on to, he took her hand. Her fingers were warm, although she did not respond to his touch at all. She still seemed restless, as if she was struggling with something.

The images haunted him. Seeing her, suspended in mid-air before the beacon, arms and legs stretched out, mouth open in a silent scream, then she was blown backwards by the explosion, collapsed like a puppet with cut strings. He would always see that, he would never forget how vulnerable she had been then and how he was absolutely certain she had just died for him, a guilt he would never be able to live with.

He looked up when Chakwas walked in, she sighed.

"Lieutenant, I'll call you first thing if her condition changes. You _need_ to rest."

"I'm fine. I'd rather be here."

The doctor watched him, quietly worried, then nodded and sat back down at her desk. He stayed by the Commander's side, thumb caressing the back of her hand because he did not know what else to do. Anything to let her know she was not alone. "It looks like she's dreaming…"

"It does, doesn't it? Also her brain activity suggests intense dreams. I'd go so far to assume the data the beacon transferred to her might be translating into images right now. Are you experiencing any… visions?"

"No… nothing…"

That was the last they spoke for many hours. At some point, Williams brought him coffee. She sat with him for a while, then left again. He felt the ship take off, return to orbit. He did not know, and did not care, where they were going. There was only one thing on his mind and it was the unconscious woman before him.

15 hours after returning to the Normandy, there was a change. He was half asleep at her bedside when he felt her fingers gently squeeze his. He shot up, instantly wide awake, saw her eyelids flutter.

"Dr. Chakwas! I think she's waking up!"

* * *

_**Author's Note:**_

And a new chapter is done. Bit of a jump from the last one but chronologically, this was the next interaction I was interested in writing. I always wanted to see what Kaidan did in the 15 hours Shepard was out after Eden Prime. He would clearly blame himself for what happened, I guess. Also, I want to see some effects of his migraines. They say he has them, but as someone who has had bad migraines, I think what is shown in the game is pretty tame. I'd like to think he has waves of more severe and less severe episodes, so there will be more occurrences of that.

Forgive any continuity errors. Like I said, I am writing these pieces for fun and I don't really look if they make sense or not...

Also, I adore Dr. Chakwas as a Character in the games, I like to think she and Shep get along really well. We see them get drunk together, that speaks for their friendship I think :) I just really like her. maybe because I wanted to be a Doctor in the Military when i was 17 or 18, so I am kinda like 'Hell yeah I would have liked to be like you!'

Anyways, enjoy. More to come soon.


	5. Night Owls

**Night Owls**

_Pressure levels normal. Oxygen levels normal. Temperature: 19 °C._

_Location: approach run, Widow System, The Citadel, T minus 12 hours. _

_Standard Time: 2183.13.02_

* * *

Twelve more hours to the Citadel.

Shepard sat in the kitchen niche on the staff deck and waited for the coffee to drip through the machine. Millions of light-years away in outer space, but waiting for the coffee to be ready was still one of the most meditative activities she could think of. Her shoulders were tight, hands in the pockets of her hoody clenched to fists. She tried to hold herself together.

Her brain still struggled with the images and sounds and impressions it had been bombarded with and she was not sure what was happening to her. She had tried to find some sleep, like the doctor had ordered, but while it had been difficult enough to sleep since Elysium in the first place, now it seemed impossible. Barely two hours of restless rolling around in her bed before she decided she could just as well give it up. Barefoot, in sweatpants and N7 hoody, she had made her way to the kitchen like a ghost, all hallways quiet, only the low hum of the engines and the buzz of life support systems in the air.

As it would turn out, she was not the only 'night owl' on board the Normandy. She heard the door slide, heard steps approach and after a moment, a figure appeared in the door. The young man stopped when he saw her and for a few heartbeats, they just looked at each other, tried to assess what this was. Really, she did wonder. There was something about Lt. Kaidan Alenko that fascinated her and she could not put a finger on what that was.

Alenko was wearing sweatpants as well, no shoes, no shirt. His bare chest was an actual marvel to behold, perfectly defined muscles without shoving it down any ones throat. Strong shoulders and arms and hands with long, crafty fingers. The clinical light on the ship was hard to make anyone look good, but she doubted that this man actually could look bad, no matter in what light. She instantly noticed a scar on his side, rough edges of not so well healed tissue. From the shape and size, she guessed a turian blade, a cut hastily stitched with the intention of doing a better job when time allowed it. Only that had never happened, so it had healed rather ugly, but gave him something… defining? Was that the word she was looking for? His hair was ever so slightly dishevelled, he, too, had seemingly just given up on any attempts at sleep. The first time he moved after reaching the kitchen was to run a hand over his chin with the three o'clock shadow of a beard, then into his neck.

"Commander," he greeted in little more than a whisper, seemed almost nervous.

"Coffee, Lieutenant?" she asked, holding up a second, empty cup.

"Yes please."

He was still reluctant, but eventually he did step closer and met her by the coffee machine, stood opposite her, leaned against the other side of the kitchen counter. She watched him attentively, simply because she enjoyed looking at him. Who wouldn't? Though she could tell how painfully self-conscious he had to be now, by the way he avoided directly looking at her, so she focused her attention on the coffee again, filling their cups quietly.

"So, what keeps you awake, Lieutenant?"

"Headaches," he replied quickly and with a barely visible shrug.

"Ah, well coffee is the perfect remedy. For everything."

She saw him smile from the corner of her eyes and when she looked up she was admittedly a bit too focused on his lips. They were full, described a lovely curve when he smiled, surprisingly soft compared to his sharply muscular body. And there was a fine, old scare, barely visible, just above his lip, maybe a childhood injury, by the looks of it.

"What's keeping you up?" he asked when she handed him the cup of coffee and for a moment, she hesitated to let the cup go. Their fingers brushed, just casually, but pleasantly electric. Still, his question made her pull away, clutch her own cup closer when her gaze wandered into an empty corner of the kitchen. What kept her up? She often wondered. She thought she should have it under control by now, but it seemed her brain had a different opinion on the matter.

"Just… nightmares…" she whispered the only halfway appropriate reply to describe what made her shoot out of bed after only few hours, sometimes screaming, always with a racing heart. Nightmares was what she called it, trauma-induced night terror was the term her psychiatrist had used.

How they both made it sound like less than it was. His were never simple headaches, hers not simple nightmares.

"Great coffee, by the way," he mumbled after a moment.

"I'll tell the chef…" she replied with a smirk, looked over her shoulder and then back at him. "Chef appreciates it."

He laughed, so did she, and that was a good thing. There was not enough laughter on this ship. The dead turian Spectre in their morgue and looming discomfort with the situation might be a reason for that.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

_A short one today, and nothing much to say. Just hope you enjoy it. The next piece will be longer. And today I have written what is perhaps my favourite piece so far, so you'll have that to look forward to._


	6. Second In Command

**Second In Command**

_Pressure levels normal. Oxygen levels normal. Temperature: 19°C._

_Location: Citadel. _

_Standard Time: 2183.15.02_

* * *

Their stay on the Citadel had been extended longer than expected. They had assumed they would just dock, report to the Council, and would be on their way back to Arcturus the same day. It had not turned out that way.

They had spent two days on the Citadel, stayed in an Alliance base on the Presidium and waited for results of the hearing. The Council did not believe them, but they had expected that, so Anderson sent the three of them – him, Shepard and Williams – out to find evidence for Saren's crimes. Along the way, they picked up an unusual band of characters, who all were willing to help them stop the rogue Spectre, and when the Council finally listened, these three stayed on board to help track him down.

Garrus Vakarian, a former officer of Citadel Security; Urdnot Wrex, a mercenary; and Tali'Zorah nar Rayya, a young engineer who had discovered the key piece of evidence for Saren's guilt. The crux of the matter? None of the above were human. Wrex was krogan, Tali was quarian, and Garrus was turian – which caused major tensions on the crew.

Kaidan had noticed it soon after they had returned to the Normandy. People were talking, were glancing at their new crew members with distrust. Pressly was the worst. Kaidan just picked up bits and pieces of a conversation between the navigator and one of his officers – about how Alliance standards were going to hell, how Shepard had to be really desperate, how he was certain the 'quarian freak' would steal their advanced technology for her fleet, and he did not even want to get started on the turian. Pressly questioned Shepard's qualification, and her sanity, and that was something Kaidan could not deal with well. He admired the woman. Her patience, her sensitivity, her diplomatic skills. She was the best humanity had to offer and making her a Spectre was a great decision of the Council.

But Pressly was not the only one with these conservative, damn near xenophobic views, he was not the only problem. Just the biggest one.

Since they had returned to the Normandy, he had barely seen their Commander. She was up on the bridge most of the time, plotting their route to Therum with Joker. The cruise there would take them roughly a day, after that they would investigate possible leads on Saren on the colonies Noveria and Feros. The prospect of a prolonged journey with these tensions made Kaidan extremely uneasy. So much, in fact, that he woke that morning with a bad migraine. He went to see Dr. Chakwas for pain medication early, barely anyone on the ship was awake, just the night shift crew in their last duty hour. He then went proceeded to his work terminals on the crew deck to at least get something done. Staring at yellow screens, watching numbers roll by him, he was pretty sure his headache got worse. After about an hour, he leaned back, eyes closed, rubbed his temples to relieve some of the pain. He only looked up when he heard footsteps and saw the Commander approach with two cups of coffee, one of which she put down on his desk.

"Lieutenant," she greeted. He saluted, although it felt strangely out-of-place after their talk the other night. There had been a certain… familiarity between them then, and now he had trouble finding that. Then, she had been 'just' a woman, just another marine, like him. Now? Now she was the Commander, now she was the _Spectre_. And he had trouble with these two different impressions he had of her, had trouble keeping his behaviour distant and professional, because she made it easy to feel a little too comfortable around her.

"Commander."

"Please, at ease. And have coffee. I'd like to have a chat," she said, nodded at the coffee.

"What can I do for you?" he asked, a little irritated. A chat? Was there anything that warranted his concern, had he neglected any of his duties? Had he missed a debriefing?

"Just trying to get a sense of where my crew's at. Any thoughts?" she asked, arms crossed, shoulder leaning against the wall.

"Um…"

"You have permission to speak freely, Lieutenant," she added. And he knew where she was going with this. He knew why she was here, what she wanted to know, but he was not entirely sure how he could formulate his concerns about the crew without sounding like a judgmental asshole.

"In all honesty, Ma'am… I think… a few of our Alliance crew are… experiencing difficulty accepting your… inter-species approach to the mission."

She nodded slowly, her face a perfect mask that did not allow him to read whether she agreed with his assessment or not. What did she want him to say? _'Some marines are xenophobic assholes'_?

He really struggled to find words around her, had a habit of putting his foot in his mouth when she was near. Like he had on the Citadel. Just thinking about that now made him want to kick himself, or crawl into a hole and never come out. What had he been thinking?! _'When you put it like that, there's no reason why they wouldn't love you – I mean US! Humanity… Ma'am'_. Well, brilliant! There he was, tried to play it all cool and perfectly in charge, he was used to always be in control of his situation, his emotions, his words. And along came this woman with her absinthe eyes and her perfect smile and her bravery and natural charm that seemed to come to her so easily, so without trying, and he turned into a blushing, babbling idiot around her. He had no idea how to behave, because he was not sure what they were to each other at any given situation. Were they going for friends, were they going for Commander and Lieutenant, were they going for something else entirely?

"Pressly…" she suddenly said. He nodded quickly, pulled out of his thoughts.

"I overheard him… express concern for your choice of allowing Garrus and Tali access to most of our classified systems. Especially the engine room. He's worried Tali might… copy designs for her migrant fleet."

"What does Adams say about that?"

Her response had come so quickly, he wondered if she had prepared for this.

"Um… Adams is fine with her. He actually kind of adores Tali. Says if half his staff were as enthusiastic about engines as she is, the ship would run a lot smoother."

She nodded and he was certain he saw a quick little smile on her lips. She knew that. She knew all of that. She knew about Pressly, about Adams, she probably knew about Williams as well, probably she knew what each and every one on this ship thought right now. Why come and ask him about it?

"Anyone else I should worry about?" she asked. And he was getting the impression she was not really asking because _she_ wanted to know, she wanted to know if _he_ knew. She was testing him. He did not know why, but that did not matter. With tests, he could deal.

"Williams, I'm afraid. It's nothing specific, Ma'am, I just have the feeling she might be… I don't really want to say xenophobic, but she has expressed certain viewpoints during our time on the Citadel that concern me a little."

"I'll have a chat with her," Shepard confirmed with a nod. Then she smiled at him. "How are _you_ doing, LT? Do you have any personal concerns about the mission?"

"Just one."

"Fire away."

"Why are you testing me?" he asked, straight forward. He saw surprise on her face. "You knew about Pressly, didn't you? And Adams. And Williams. Why ask me?"

She hesitated a moment, then she smiled.

"I command people, Lieutenant. Understanding my ship is no good to me if I don't understand my crew. This is an important mission and if I don't know how my crew will react under certain circumstances, it's bound to fail. I need to have a good grasp of the mood on this ship and I need someone who I can turn to for second opinions, someone who understands the dynamics, someone who looks at things honest, unbiased and rational. Someone I can trust."

"It would be an honour to be your second opinion, Ma'am," he said quietly, and in awe. What an extraordinary leader she was! How it had taken her so long since Elysium to be promoted to Commander was entirely beyond him, she was incredible! And she valued _his_ opinion! How could he possibly deserve that honour, that trust?

He realised he had to have stared at her, because she decidedly averted her eyes, watched her coffee in the mug. He noticed shadows under her eyes, not easily spotted against her dark skin and because she had a skilled hand with her make-up, but she looked like she had not slept well. Nightmares? "If you don't mind my asking… you don't sleep much, do you?"

She looked up again, laughed.

"No, I really don't. Eden Prime, I guess… the images… keep me awake…"

He heard it in her voice, that slight tremble, the hesitation, it was not something she wanted to talk about, not something she liked to share, so he distracted. He would not push her, he would not make her feel uncomfortable. If she wanted to talk about it, to him, she would. If not then not.

"Or, you know, you could always cut back on the coffee," he joked. She gasped, pulled her mug closer and raised her brows alarmed.

"Never come between a woman and her coffee. _Never_!"

"I wouldn't dare!" he said. They both laughed, it felt like a weight was off his shoulders. He enjoyed laughing with her, even in the relative silence of the crew deck.

"You don't sleep much either, LT."

He nodded.

"Some days are… worse than others," he admitted. He noticed that he barely felt his headache now, had managed to push it out of his conscious mind, or maybe the medication had just finally kicked in. Either way, he felt better.

He felt her gaze, worry in her green eyes, then she reached over. Her hand came to rest on his arm, a secure, firm touch that almost made him jump. It felt like her warm fingers were burning right through his skin, like she was intruding, but not in a bad way. Quite contrary, it felt much too nice to feel her touch.

She just squeezed his arm lightly before she pulled away, she had surely realised it had startled him.

"Rest. We don't know what to expect on Therum. The asari might work for Saren too, like her mother. The place might be crawling with geth. We must be prepared for the worst, so I need my biotic at his best."

"You have me, Ma'am," he assured her. Realised instantly how very, very shifty it sounded (maybe just to his own ears), so he back-paddled, despite her honest, beautiful smile. "Which I in no way meant to sound as creepy as it did, Ma'am. Maybe I should just… stop talking… yeah…"

She laughed.

"Relax, Lieutenant. How often will I have to tell you that?"

"Always at least one more time, Ma'am," he said. She smiled.

"I could order you to sit down and let me massage your shoulders until you relax, don't believe I wouldn't!" she said with a laugh. And completely toppled over all his smart returns. She watched him crumble and squirm under that and he was quite certain she enjoyed to see him turn bright red and lose any coherent thought.

"M-Ma'am."

"Seriously, Alenko, relax! I am just teasing! Gosh, you're an easy mark, that's so sweet."

She laughed, and he was not entirely sure if she was messing with him or if she meant it, but before he could ask, she had left his work terminal, left him to process. He leaned against the wall, rubbed his neck. He was either working up a fever, or he just really, _really_ had the hot's for his Commander.

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

_Whoa there Shepard, bordering on workplace harassment? She'll apologise for it later, I promise, it just kinda came over her._

_Hope you enjoy it, hope you'll keep coming back for more of my little pieces. Leave comments or drop me messages, I don't bite ^^ And I love talking about my OTPs, so just chat me up. _


	7. In The Line Of Duty

**In The Line Of Duty**

Pressure levels normal. Oxygen levels normal. Temperature: 19°C

Location: Sparta System.

Standard Time:_2183.16.02_

* * *

Somehow they had gotten here.

Sitting around the large table in the mess, cards and poker chips between them, half empty glasses of cheap rum, the bodies of a killed unit of Admiral Kahoku's men in their morgue, the stench of flesh decaying under the influence of thresher maw venom filling the air, and they were half naked by now.

Alenko had lost his shirt already and was well on his way of losing his pants. Garrus had taken off part of his armour but held his liquor better than the rest, so he was not loosing as easily. Engineer Adams was butt nekkid by now, covering his 'junk' with a uniform hat. Ashley was in just her bra and her uniform trousers, hair down for a change, and was way too drunk. But she was at the point where she did not care anymore. Because marines were dying like flies around them.

She should be used to it by now. After Eden Prime, this should not send her over the edge so much. Especially because she had not even known any of these men. But it hurt. It hurt like hell. It hurt, because she thought of Nirali, and of all the others that had not made it off that godforsaken rock that was supposed to be paradise, all the people they had lost to Saren and that bastard was so far out of reach. It seemed with every step they took towards him, he moved six steps ahead. It hurt, because she had never been this aware of how tiny they were, compared to what was happening around them. Facing that thresher maw had put things into a horrible perspective.

She wanted to believe the Commander would track the rogue Spectre down, she _really_ did. She really wanted to understand what the others saw in her. What Alenko saw in her. Hell, the man looked at the Commander like if she told him to jump into their Drive Core, he probably would. Adams, too. And Garrus. For some reason they saw something in the Commander Ashley just could not wrap her head around. What had Shepard really achieved so far? Nothing. And the doubt were gnawing on her, little whispers that their mission would fail.

"Is it true then?" Draven suddenly asked. Which one, Ashley did not even know. Twins, all looked the same. Talitha? Maybe that was Talitha, might be the other one though. Either way, the woman was fully dressed, made them all run for their money, had not lost a single round.

" 's what true?" Ashley asked.

"Joker says the Commander took out the thresher maw on foot down there."

"We were there too, you know?" Alenko reminded her.

"Yeahhhh it's true! We were in the Mako and that son of a bitch knocked the tank over. Thought we were done for. We manage to crawl out of there. The maw was weakened from the heavy machinery, we took it down on foot. Hell of a fight! But _lucky_ us the _great_ Commander Shepard was there to save the day! Hero of Elysium! Hell, she even managed to save everybody's asses! Oh, no, wait... she _didn't_! Everyone's fucking _dead_."

Cue the awkward silence. Gazes were avoided; you would probably hear a pin drop. Ashley had raised a glass for her sarcastic toast and when no one did the same, she just downed the shot alone. Hell, someone had to salute those dead marines down there. Slowly, Alenko rose to his feet.

"Right, maybe we should... call it a night..."

"Awww come on Alenko, don't be a party pooper! Everyone is having so much fun! Just because you can't stand to hear that your precious Commander Shepard isn't so perfect? Well, here's a truth bomb for you, LT. She saved no one. She didn't save Kahoku's men. She didn't save the people on Eden Prime. Hell, do you want to keep counting? Because I bet my bra, the bodies pile up back on Elysium for all those she could not save!"

"That's enough, Williams. Shepard isn't perfect, but she's trying."

Adams suddenly jumped up in a wobbly salute.

"Attention on deck!" he called. Ashley, half hanging over Alenko's shoulder, looked back. There she was. Commander Shepard, all uniform and strict bun and stick up her ass.

"Oh look, the _mighty_ Commander Shepard."

"You might want to cut back on the booze, Williams," Shepard said, her voice monotonous, flat, empty.

"_Or_ I have a better idea! You sit your ass down and drink with us to all the bastards you couldn't save. We're all the same here, aren't we? Humans and aliens and engineers and gunnery chiefs and Commanders!"

Ashley grabbed the superior officer by the arm, pulled her closer, pressed a glass in her hand.

"I'll pass. And so should you. You've had enough."

"Why? Because you're better than us? Were those marines who died in the line of duty not _good enough_ to deserve a toast from the great Commander Shepard!"

"I had my share of drinks to those that didn't make it, Williams. Trust me, it's not a road you want to go down."

"Stop!"Ashley yelled, when the Commander was turning to leave. The woman froze to the spot, the deck was in silence. "_Stop_ being so fucking perfect! No one's buying it! Where's that chink in your perfect N7 armour, Shepard? How can you be so unfazed? Doesn't it do _anything_ to you to see these people die? _Maybe_ you're a machine too, maybe you're a geth under there, is that what you are? Is that why you don't care if marines die on _your _watch?"

The last words had barely left Ashley's lips when the superior fist had met her face. Ashley stumbled, fell, and stayed on the floor. Hot blood was dripping from her nose, white pain in her eyes - possibly tears she tried her best to hold down - and she was suddenly very sober. No one moved, no one spoke, it was a miracle they even dared breathe.

"I care! You want to know what I did after Elysium? I got drunk! Alone! I got so drunk that I couldn't feel a thing anymore. So drunk that I couldn't remember their faces, their names. I got drunk and I hoped it would all end! I didn't want to be the one left. I didn't want to be the hero of Elysium, didn't want the Star, the ceremonies, I would have traded it all – would still trade it all – just so they'd be alive. You want to know their names? The names of each and every fallen marine on Elysium, everyone who died _on my watch_? Hancock, Mitchell, Nagra, Donovan, Cole, Forth, Schmidt, Polloni, Derrida, Velasquez, Cho, Collins, Avery, Miyugi, Xenon, Durant. I cared. I almost drank myself to death because I cared too much. You ran when your unit died on Eden Prime. I didn't give you flack for it. Who are _you_ to judge _me_ now? You're not better than me. We are the same. We're marines. We're _all_ broken. The challenge is to fix it. Because there are others out there and maybe, _maybe_ if we try harder, next time we'll be able to save them! That's why we remember the names. And that's why we get up! So get off your ass Gunnery Chief!"

They stared in silence.

Ashley looked up at the woman who, for the very first time since she knew her, had completely lost it. She had been looking for it, had tried to draw it out, but there was much, much more anger within Shepard than she had expected. They _were_ the same. She had not really thought it through when she had said it before, but the Commander was right. They were _exactly_ the same.

Maybe that was why she was so angry, maybe that was why she did not even know what to do with all that anger. This was not about Kahoku's men. It never was. It was about the two of them, being stuck in the same shoes. Shepard with her unit on Elysium, Ashley with her unit on Eden Prime. They had both watched them get wiped out, they had both made the choice to survive, against all odds, and they both blamed themselves for it. That was it, was it not? Ashley had survived while all the others were gone. Should she have stayed, should she have fought a fight she could not possible win, should she have died instead of running and living to fight another day? Should Shepard have died on Elysium instead of pulling through, surviving, so she could fight another day? Had they not _both_ made the same choices and had to live with the same consequences?

She looked up when Shepard extended a hand towards her. "Don't make my mistakes, Williams."

It took strength, it took swallowing her own pride and her own self-pity, to take that hand and let the Commander pull her to her feet. She steadied, then saluted.

"Ma'am."

"Let Chakwas check your nose. Draven, make sure she gets there."

"Aye, Ma'am!"

Ashley saw the poker genius come closer, help her in her shirt, then took her arm. Ashley pulled away, avoided the gazes around the table, but she did look up at the Commander before she left for the med bay.

"I'm sorry, Ma'am. I was… out of line."

"You were. You're angry and scared and drunk. But that's okay. I was angry and scared and drunk once. Get over yourself and this will not show up in your file."

"Thank you… Ma'am."

She saw the Commander nod and then went to the med bay, where she sat for a while, in silence and alone after Chakwas helped her stop the bleeding, thinking about what had just happened.

Perhaps that night was when Ashley Williams decided that Commander Shepard was one she could follow. Because they were the same.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

_I was VERY concerned about this piece. I wanted to draw strong parallels between younger Shepard after Elysium and Ashley after Eden Prime, I wanted them to collide over that. My Shepard initially did not get along with Ashley AT ALL but they grew together (until Virmire, stupid, stupid Virmire!). When Jemma Shepard was struggling after Elysium, when she fell off the grid, Anderson was there to pull her to her feet and I am pretty sure he wasn't gentle about it. I wanted that parallel for Ashley and Shepard. I like the idea that if they had been given the chance, Shepard would have been for Ashley what Anderson was for Shepard. And I wanted to somehow convey that in this piece. _

_I was very reluctant to post it because I didn't want people to misinterpret my opinion of Ashley. It is mostly something Shepard says in a conversation: Something about Kaidan giving her information from his head, and Ashley from her heart. I believe Ashley feels a lot and she can't hide that as well as Kaidan can and I find that incredibly interesting about her. She has no filter and won't hold back on her opinion, even if it disagrees with her superiors. That, mixed with her family background, got her loads of crappy assignments. And then she gets on the Normandy and she finally fits in because her honesty is exactly what Shepard wants to hear. _

_I just have a lot of BroTP feels for Ashley and Shepard, okay?!_

_Hope you enjoyed the piece, it was a tough one to write._


	8. Suspensions

**Suspensions**

_Pressure levels normal. Oxygen levels normal. Temperature: 19°C_

_Location: Sparta System._

_Standard Time:2183.16.02_

* * *

She waited, still as a statue, until Ashley Williams had vanished in the med bay. The rest of the crew in front of her avoided looking at anyone or anything, they were ashamed and they should be. Adams worst of all.

Only when the Gunnery Chief was most certainly gone did she draw in a deep breath.

"Alenko, Draven, Adams, get dressed and get in my office in five to fill in your suspension forms."

"S-suspension forms?!" Draven gasped.

"Yes. Suspension forms. Drunk and half-naked during a crucial mission? I think that calls for suspension."

She turned on her heel, did not allow any protest, and heard them scurry for clothes. Her office door had barely closed behind her when Engineer Adams stumbled through, trousers just pulled up, shirt not buttoned and he fell to his knees.

"Ma'am, I am sorry. I am sorry, it's my fault. Alenko, Draven, Williams, they were off duty; I am the only one on the roster tonight. I am sorry. I... I should not lose it like that, I shouldn't, I know that. But I... I... When you brought in Rick... when you brought in Rick today I... I just..."

By that point he was sobbing. And she could not move. Not a single leadership seminar had adequately prepared her for an experienced soldier with a long service history spontaneously bursting out in tears in her office. Not a one. And Anderson had not bothered to mention that either! What the hell was she supposed to do with that?! This was easily the first time Commander Shepard was utterly overwhelmed with her responsibilities.

"Who the hell is Rick?"

"He was my student, Ma'am. He was one of my first students back when I was teaching engineers at Alliance Academy. He was... he was like a son... he was just a kid, Ma'am... he was assigned to Kahoku's command two years ago and he was looking after their vehicles and he was on that planet... he was down there and now... now he's... now he's in that morgue and I... I just don't know... I need to tell his mom. His mom is the nicest little lady I know, makes great apple pie... they invited me after he graduated... they are such lovely people. He was their only kid, they only had him. How am I supposed to tell them Rick won't come back... I lost it. I'm sorry, Ma'am, I shouldn't have, I've seen soldiers die, seen friends die, but this... this was... different... I lost it. Alenko and Draven and Williams were off duty, Ma'am, if you need someone suspended, suspend me. Tali can take care of the engines better than I can, I'll file the reports through Alliance systems and she does the job and supervises the staff, I'm sure the boys will be fine with that. Just... it's all my fault..."

_Shit_.

Shit, shit, shit! What was she supposed to do with that? How was she supposed to be hard and punishing if he was so guilt-ridden already, if he was in so much pain after seeing that young engineer dead on their deck? Why did they all have to have such understandable reasons for their transgressions?! Could they not just be out of line for fun's sake? No, no she should know better. After all, they were marines, it took more than boredom or a little sense of rebellion for them to forget their duties this way. All this just drove their strange, horrible mission home. Because _what if_ there really was an ancient race waiting to wipe them out like they did the most advanced civilisation ever known in the history of the Galaxy? Then what was the real point to _any_ of their efforts? Everyday, they were confronted with that thought. Events like today... were just a last straw.

She drew in a sharp breath, ran her tongue over her teeth. Everything about this situation was painful. She rubbed the bridge of her nose, eyes squeezed shut.

"Adams... I'll need to file a report about this. I can't just let it slide..."

"I know, ma'am, I wouldn't ever ask you to. Just... go easy on Alenko, Draven and Williams. They're good kids. They were off duty, they did nothing wrong."

It took her a moment to nod. She could live with that. Suspend Alenko, Draven and Williams for two days or so, and re-assign Adam's duties to Tali for the time being, that would work, right? She knew she was literally making it up as she went along, had no plan, no idea what she was doing. She was setting herself up for failure. If it got around that she let things slide because people offered sob stories, they would use it against her, she knew that. But that was something she would just have to deal with, was it not? In the end, she would have to be the one to live with her decisions. Against what Williams seemed to believe, she was not a geth underneath. She would much rather care for the emotional well-being of her crew. She would not turn _into_ Saren just to _stop_ Saren.

"Get out, sleep off the alcohol. Tomorrow you'll give Tali detailed instructions so she can take over. And if this happens again, there will be serious consequences for _everyone_."

"Thank you Ma'am. I swear it will not happen again. Ever. I am 100% focused on the mission now, so Rick and these men did not die for nothing."

"I hope so."

She nodded and watched as Adams got up, saluted and left her office just as Draven and Alenko walked in. Both – especially Alenko – looked like she had just shot their puppies.

"Ma'am, what we did was inexcusable. I don't even know what we were thinking. It was just all.. too much I guess, after Eden Prime and now this…"

"I know, LT. But if this happens again, there will be consequences."

"You're… you're not sending us home?" Draven asked irritated.

"I can't afford to send my Chief Engineer, my First Lieutenant and my Gunnery Chief home. Draven, you're just bloody lucky. Now get the hell out of here,"

They both looked perplexed, then saluted.

"Aye, Ma'am!"

They left and she turned to her deask. She had her work cut out for her.

She did not sleep that night, but got a coffee and filed the report on Adam's behaviour, formulating it as sympathetic as humanly possible.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

So, this piece, the piece before, and a few interactions following this one will deal with an issue I wondered about. I have zero knowledge about military procedure, but I believe there is a big difference between being trained to be in charge of people, or being in charge of people for the time of a short mission, and actually being in command of an entire ship. And I headcanon Shepard only became a Commander relatively recently before Eden Prime, and was supposed to be 'easing in' to that responsibility. Instead, she ends up with one of the most important missions of a lifetime and I'd like to think that at some point in the process, she will have been overwhelmed by that. This is that point. She has always struggled with being in charge, since Elysium, and this struggle will be something she'll have to overcome if she wants a fighting chance to stop Saren. So I want to devote some time into showing that struggle.

Th next part will be up tomorrow.


	9. Chemistry

**Chemistry**

_Pressure levels normal. Oxygen levels normal. Temperature: 67 F. Stealth mode in operation.  
_

_Location: Therum orbit. _

_Standard Time: 2183.18.02_

* * *

Dr. Karin Chakwas ran another scan, then nodded.

"You're fine, Dr. T'Soni. Just exhausted. There's an unused lab right next door, you can rest there, if you like? There is no through traffic and it's mostly isolated and quiet," she offered. The young (well, comparably young) asari sat on the gurney and looked like a drop of water in a curve. She did not even know what that expression meant, it was something her father used to say, a German saying, allegedly describing a person slumped over in exhaustion. It was far from a medical term, but she had come to like the expression. Drop of water in a curve. It was kind of sweet.

"I'd appreciate it. Thank you so much for your kindness, doctor. And your hospitality, Commander," Liara said softly. Chakwas looked over at the Commander sitting on the other gurney, trying to patch up her arm herself with medigel and iso-tape. She sighed. That woman. If she could, she would probably try to do everything on her own just to not inconvenient anyone else. She showed Liara T'Soni to the lab next door, where the young asari could lie down and rest, then returned to the Commander.

"Let me do that, you'll just make it worse."

"I got it-"

"_You're_ the Commander, you don't see me telling you how to run your ship. _I'm_ the medical officer, don't tell me how to run my med bay and treat my patients," Chakwas warned. The Commander looked guilty and extended her arm towards the doctor to let her properly patch up the wound. They sat quietly for a while, Chakwas reapplied the isolation strips to close the cut before applying medigel and bandaging the wound. It was a long cut down Shepard's left forearm, inflicted likely by a krogan blade. She had not lost a terrible amount of blood, but it was an inconvenience the Commander really did not need now. "There, all good."

"Thank you. I really appreciate what you're doing. I feel like you don't hear that enough."

"We never do. I don't think you hear how much your work is appreciated enough either," Chakwas returned with a smile. The Commander smiled back. The Doctor was under the impression that Shepard smiled at her crew because she knew they needed it. But the smile rarely made it past her lips and into those tired eyes of hers. Out here, in the darkness of space, it was far too easy to lose ones happiness and humanity. But the Commander was trying, she was trying her very hardest. "I am glad to have you here, Shepard. I was worried after Elysium, but it is good to see you're back on your feet."

"I am. I feel like I have a purpose again. And people who need me to hold it together. It's a lot of pressure, but it's good. It's good to be... needed, you know?"

"They do need you. We all do. But… you look after all of us here, do _you_ have someone looking after you?"

Shepard did not respond, eyes fixed sternly on the newly bandaged arm. Chakwas patted her knee. "You can't do it all on your own. There is no shame in leaning on someone every now and then. I hear there's a highly available Lieutenant sitting outside, waiting to hear if your arm's fine."

"That would be _highly_ inappropriate…"

Chakwas sighed.

"Probably. But you have to admit, he is lovely. And if the chemistry is right..."

Shepard laughed and shook her head, clearly underestimating how sincerely troubled Chakwas was by this . Too many good people she had met in the Alliance died alone. Would people she had come to care about so much – like Shepard and Alenko – be on that list someday?

"Can I ask you something about the Lieutenant though?"

Chakwas looked up again, curious.

"Of course!"

"Have you worked with him before?"

"A year's cruise on the Proserpina, yes," she confirmed. The same year she had worked with Jenkins.

"What can you tell me about his headaches? I noticed he has them a lot, he plays it down, but…"

Chakwas nodded. She had expected as much.

"The Lieutenant has an L2 implant. Now, you may know that the L2 were highly controversial. They caused a variety of horrible side effects in their test subjects, so the model was eventually discontinued prematurely and the improved L3 implant – the one you use – is now standard procedure. Now, L2 side effects vary greatly, some develop severely crippling mental and physical disabilities. Lieutenant Alenko was comparably lucky, he suffers from migraines. They vary in intensity from day to day, some are worse than others, but as far as I have heard he is never completely without pain. Some days it's just headaches, some days he can barely move. But he is an example of control, most of the time during active duty you wouldn't be able to tell."

"No… no I really wouldn't… Is he on any medication I should be aware of? Affecting duty performance?"

"No. Mild pain meds, nothing serious, nothing that would affect his work. He has a tremendous pain tolerance. So you know that when he says _'headaches keep me awake'_ what he actually means is he's in so much pain that most people would probably be institutionalised. I really don't know how he does it. Jenkins once demanded I hook him up to a neural simulator mimicking the kind of pain Alenko is in on a 'mild migraine'. Jenkins was practically useless for the rest of the day… Then again, Jenkins had a tendency for theatrics..." she lamented. Shepard listened attentively and seemed more and more concerned, so Chakwas quickly glossed over. "But don't worry. Alenko would never jeopardize a mission. He can tell pretty reliably when the bad migraine's about to hit, he can prepare. Oh I hope nothing I said will adversely affect his career…"

"No, not at all. Not at all… quite… contrary…"

They sat in silence for a moment, the doctor wondering if that was a good thing or a bad thing when finally, the Commander got to her feet. "Am I free to leave?"

"Yes, unless you hurt your legs as well?"

"No, Doc!" Shepard replied with a heartfelt laugh that made Chakwas smile. The Commander left and the doctor returned to her desk, her paperwork. There were a great deal of reports to file on all levels before they investigated their next lead. When she looked up out of the med bay windows, she saw Shepard and Alenko, standing in the corner where he usually worked, chatting. She noticed the smiles, of course she did, the shy looks glanced at each other, the occasional blush. Oh, the chemistry was there. However subtle these two thought they might be, they were not as convincing as they seemed to believe.

* * *

**Author's Note: **

_A bit of a lighter piece, not much to say about it except enjoy. I promise there will be more Shenko soon :)_


	10. Apologies

**Apologies**

_Pressure levels normal. Oxygen levels normal. Temperature: 67 F. Stealth mode in operation._

_Location: Therum orbit. _

_Standard Time: 2183.18.02_

* * *

Kaidan was sitting outside the med bay, waiting to hear if her arm was alright. They smiled at each other quietly when she came closer, he looked relieved, his warm, brown eyes searching her face for something, she was not sure what.

The crew deck was otherwise abandoned and she suddenly recalled the last time they had been here alone. She thought about that conversation a lot recently. And she regretted it. Thinking about the things she had said, the horribly inappropriate things, made her stomach clench together. Really, how could she have said something like that? It almost qualified as 'making a pass at him' – he actually had every right to report her for it. Were it the other way around, a male superior officer so bluntly hitting on his female lieutenant, she would be up in arms about it and drag that guy to trial.

When she had said it, she barely even thought about it, but afterwards, sat in her office, she realised how bad it had really been. She had actually wanted to storm right out there and apologise but quite honestly, she had been too embarrassed. Which was probably why she had somehow shown him a cold shoulder since then, hoping to get some professional distance back. Which only resulted in her sneaking glances at him when he was struggling with a headache or calibrating his omni-tool. Sneaking glances like a love struck, silly teenage girl, not a nearly 30 years old, special operations trained marine.

She greeted him with a nod.

"Lieutenant."

"Commander. How's the arm?" he asked, nodding at her wound. The conversation felt a bit stiff, and she was quite sure that was her fault.

"Good, good. Um… Listen, LT… I've been meaning to apologise."

"Apologise?" he asked confused. She nodded. It had been years since she had been nervous around a man! Years! She was Commander of her own ship, she should not be blushing around him just because he was kind of cute (well, he was a bit more than just _cute_; watching him use biotics on the battlefield did… _things_ to her).

"Yes, apologise. The other day… I was out of line. If I made you feel uncomfortable or upset you in any way, please tell me. I promise it will not happen again."

He looked at her quietly and seemed to think about her words, but she could not tell what he was thinking. His face was in perfect control and it was painful not to know what he would say. He was infuriating that way but she guessed that was payback. She had enjoyed way too much to watch him blush and wrestle for words, it was only right that he left her guessing now. He had the upper hand and that was an interesting change of dynamics.

Finally, he smiled.

"Ma'am, you don't need to apologise for that. I was out of line back on the Citadel, it was only fair."

"No, Alenko, it wasn't. I am you superior officer, I shouldn't say something like that. You're not my… I don't know, my cabin boy."

"Your _cabin boy_?" he repeated and laughed out loud. Oh why could there not be a hole opening up in the ground to swallow her right now?

"I am not making this any better, am I?"

He was still laughing, actually looked like he had to sit down a minute to compose himself again, she had never seen him laugh so heartfelt, had never seen him let go so much. And then, finally, he grinned at her.

"I appreciate the thought, Commander."

She gasped. Had he just thrown her own words back at her? _That cheeky bastard_. She raised a finger, at a loss of word, then nodded.

"Well played, LT. Well played," she admitted.

"I will not accept the apology, Commander. There is nothing to apologise for."

She nodded quietly. She still felt like there most certainly was a lot to apologise for, but she could not very well do more than promise it would never happen again. "And just so you know: If you were not my commanding officer, I would have asked you to dinner already."

She blinked perplexed, then had to turn away to hide the blush. Seriously? Blushing? She had underestimated him! He acted all shy and polite, but that man was a _shark_! She would bet her comfortable quarters he could get any girl he wanted, he would probably easily get _her_ if he were not holding back because she was his superior officer.

"I'll keep it in mind. Dismissed, LT."

He saluted, but the smirk stayed on his face when he returned to his work station and she went to her office. Maybe _she_ needed the cold shower today.

* * *

She was in her office for about ten minutes before the door slid open. She half expected Kaidan Alenko, but tensed up when it was Ashley Williams who walked in and saluted.

"Chief?"

"Ma'am. I've been thinking a lot. About the other night."

"I told you there would be no repercussions about it. It was down time, you were upset, it happens to the best of us."

"But you did not take me on Therum."

"And had I taken you, who would have gotten me and Alenko back on the Normandy? You saved our lives today, Ashley."

It had been a close call. The ruins were collapsing around them, fire shooting up, rocks falling, they were running from geth and krogan mercenaries. The Normandy was approaching, the cargo deck open wide. Wrex was first, then Alenko with Liara, Shepard had been in the rear, keeping their pursuers in check. It was a wide gap between where she was and the ship and it was a leap of pure faith she had taken when she jumped towards the cargo deck and Ashley had been there to pull her in.

Ashley Williams nodded a little concerned.

"Anyways… about the other night. I… was out of line and I felt like… we should clear the air, Ma'am."

"Alright then," Shepard said and put her datapad down, rolled back her chair to face the Gunnery Chief. Williams seemed stiff, tense, drew in a deep breath.

"I apologise for my behaviour, Ma'am. The things I said… were terrible. I didn't really… think about them. Or about what you might have been through. I… know you did everything you could to help Eden Prime. I know you did everything you could to find Kahoku's men alive. It just wasn't…"

"It wasn't enough," Shepard confirmed with a nod. Of course she had thought that way enough herself. "Williams, believe me when I say I do know where you're coming from. I was just as angry and upset as you are. And I care that the people around us are dying while we chase after a shadow. And you know what? I am scared. I am scared that whatever Saren is trying to do, he'll always be two steps ahead of us and by the time we figure out what he's planning about these Reapers, it'll be too late. I am not immune to doubts or fear. The difference is that I had four more years to learn how to handle them than you've had. And when I hit rock bottom, Captain Anderson beat me back into shape. So help me God I will do that for you. I will not let you drop off the grid, I will not let you drink yourself to death, I will not let you drown in guilt. You don't need to apologise to me for speaking out of line. I'd rather you yell and cry and fight me on every decision I make than have you sit in your corner and drink the pain away. I won't accept an apology, because what you did was not wrong, it was human. All I ask is that you take that experience and make the best of it, so next time, we'll be better. You, me, the crew, we'll be better. And maybe the time after next, or the time after that… we'll be in time to save them."

Williams stood quietly for a long time and Shepard was not entirely sure what would happen next. But eventually, the Gunnery Chief saluted.

"Thank you, Ma'am. If… if any of the other crew got in trouble because we were drinking and… you know… it was my fault. I talked them in to it, I basically steamrolled them."

"I checked, everyone there that night was off duty according to the crew roster, and Garrus is not Alliance, so he does not go by our rules. Adams knew the Chief engineer of Kahoku's squad well, it hit him hard. So I decided to let his transgression go, for now. I talked to him, he knows it'll eventually come back to bite him in the ass but for now, he'll continue work as usual. The engines were not unattended, half his staff was on duty and Tali had everything under control in there. So don't worry."

Williams hesitated for a long moment, then nodded.

"Aye, Ma'am."

Williams saluted again, Shepard turned her chair back to the screen.

"Unless there is anything else you needed to get off your chest, I have the Therum report to file for the Council."

"Yes Ma'am."

Shepard nodded and Williams left the office.

She felt the tensions fall off her shoulders then and had to put down the datapad, rub her eyelids. This was it then, wasn't it? Everything Anderson had warned her about. _Don't let them take you for a fool, you have to make clear who is in charge_. Well, she was in charge, sure. But Shepard never actually saw herself in a leading position. She was still learning, and people seemed to forget that. When she needed to, when the situation got extreme, she assumed command almost naturally. She had handled the thresher maw incident like she had the Elysium crisis; she had gotten them out of the ruins, she had been able to save the colony Saren would have blown up, she considered herself a good soldier and believed she had a right to do so. But that was all she was. A soldier. Was she a good Commander? She was not so sure about that. Any other CO would probably not have cared why a number of their essential crew – their Chief Engineer, for God's sake – had been drunk and half-naked during a mission, they would have just seen them all suspended. Any other CO would not have listened to Adams apology, any other CO might not have bother investigating if the story was actually true, any other CO might have told Adams that he was emotionally compromised and therefore suspended from duty and would be replaced as soon as they got back to the Citadel. Any other CO might have given Pressly hell for questioning their choices, any other CO might have kicked Williams off the ship for criticising her in front of her crew, for putting her on the spot like that. There was a lot of things she thought she could have – probably should have – handled differently. But that was not who she wanted to be. Perhaps she was naïve, bought any sob story, wanted to give everyone a second chance.

When things would go wrong, she would have no one but herself to blame.

* * *

**Author Notes:**

I know we all love foot-in-mouth Kaidan but I like to think that he's actually not as clumsy with the ladies (and, let's be real here, the gentlemen as well, because I do not believe he magically turned bisexual somewhere in those two years) as it seems and once he gets comfortable... he's a shark. And I just like to imagine him getting this low, deep voice he has when he flirts and Shepard realises he might not be the nervous cutie-pie she thought he was, hehe.

Well, have fun, and more to come soon!


	11. Mind over matter

**Mind over matter**

_Pressure levels normal. Oxygen levels normal. Temperature: 67 F._

_Location: Feros dock. _

_Standard Time: 2183.19.02_

* * *

She collapsed and he had caught her. Finally. He had failed to catch her back on Eden Prime, but here, on Feros, he would not let her fall. After the asari had given her the 'cipher' she had apparently given to Saren as well, he had seen all colour drain from the Commanders face and before her knees had given in, he had an arm wrapped around her waist to hold her up.

It was the closest they had been since Eden Prime and it sent his heart racing. She had leaned on him, an arm over his shoulders for support until the initial dizzy spell had passed. He had supported her on the way out of the thorian's lair to where the Normandy picked them up.

Of course she had not wasted any time. She had called the crew into the com room to inform them of the newest developments and he had been worried almost constantly. When Liara proposed to connect their minds so she could help make sense of the vision of the beacon, he had wanted to protest loudly. The Commander was already exhausted from the other asari, Shiala, poking around in her mind, surely the last thing she needed was _another_ asari mind-meld. But Shepard insisted. They needed the information and she could not make sense of it alone. So, more mind-melding happened.

Kaidan Alenko was not by nature a jealous man. It was a sentiment he had successfully avoided so far. But watching the way Liara took Shepard's hands, the way they connected… for some reason that bothered him. It did not get any better when Liara kept showering the Commander with compliments afterwards. _Your mind is truly extraordinary_. Well observed! Did she really need all the touching to figure that out? Really?

He felt terrible for thinking like that. He had no claim whatsoever over the Commander's attention. Other than being remarkably illiterate around her and, at best, amusing her with it, they had not really shared anything. She had given him no reason to assume she felt any more for him than the responsibility a superior officer should. His hopeless fawning over her was not her business and nothing that should keep her from enjoying the adoration she deserved. And it was quite obvious Liara adored _her_, not just her extraordinary mind. Besides, there were regs. What was the point of getting too involved in a relationship that was technically forbidden? No, it was better that way; she _should_ be with Liara, if she wanted to.

Still, he couldn't help it. Watching her take Liara to the med bay to make sure the asari was well, made him boil with rage. He was actually determined to smother all these feelings that were growing inside him. And that would have probably worked well enough, had she not found her way to his terminal basically right out of the med bay. He saw her approach, remarkable ambition in her gaze considering she had barely been able to walk straight a few minutes earlier. And these eyes would be his undoing, he knew that. Absinthe green, bottomless pools of everything he wanted, but could not have.

Like she had the other day, she crossed her arms and leaned against the frame of his terminal, watched him with a smile.

"What's your opinion on the last mission, LT?" she asked.

"A success, by my books. The thorian is destroyed, ExoGeni will face charges for their experiments, the colony is saved, and we got new leads on Saren's plans. Solid mission, Ma'am."

"Come on, you gotta give me more than that, Kaidan. Crew sentiments, overall mood, outlook for Noveria…"

"I'm sure you'll figure all of that out with your _extraordinary_ mind…" he said, in a mock voice, before he even thought about what he was saying. Damn what was wrong with him?! Did he have no filter whatsoever between his brain and his tongue? It might have been because she called him Kaidan, instead of Lieutenant or Alenko, creating a sense of familiarity that should not actually be there. And he noticed that the only times she ever called him Kaidan was when it was just the two of them. Any other situation, she would have called him by rank. But here, just the two of them? Kaidan. What was he supposed to make of that? He looked up. "I'm sorry, that was uncalled-"

He wanted to apologise but found the Commander smirk mischievously and the apology got stuck in his throat.

"Is that _jealousy_ I detect, Lieutenant?"

"No, Ma'am. I'm sorry, I was unprofessional. I'm just… I think you trust her too easily."

"Who? Liara?"

"She's Benezia's daughter. What else do we really know about her? I mean, _really_. Allowing her to probe your mind is… isn't that a bit risky."

"She won't betray us."

"Are you certain?" he asked worried.

"Doors work both ways, Kaidan. When she looked into my mind… I could see hers as well. She will not betray us. I _am_ certain. You don't need to worry about me. I'm a big girl."

"Yes, I know, I wasn't suggesting that you need… I just… I would hate to see you get hurt."

There were a lot of things happening in her face when these words left his lips. He knew she was aware of his attraction to her, he was not exactly subtle when he stumbled over his every word in her presence. But he had not been entirely certain about her. Yes, she was a shameless flirt, but he had assumed that was just the way she was, she was charismatic and it came easy to her, hell, she was flirty with Garrus sometimes and it was no surprise Liara was falling head over heels for the woman. He had almost accepted that he was not 'special'.

Almost.

But when he had spoken now, he witnessed the smug little smirk turn into a quick hint of surprise and then into the most sincere smile he had ever seen her smile. She took a step towards him and for a moment it almost looked like she wanted to reach for his arm, but she stopped herself.

"Good thing you'll have my six, then, LT?" she said. He smiled back at her.

"Always, Commander."

* * *

**Author's Note:**

_This was quick and dirty, hehehe. Their relationship is developing, slowly but surely. I think Shep is approaching the point of realisation that will go somewhere along the lines of: 'Shit, I'm in love with this man! How did that happen?!'_

_The next chapter is perhaps one my absolute favourite ones, so watch out for it :) _

_Hope you enjoyed this, and keep the comments coming, they motivate me!_


	12. The Chickenpox Incident

**The Chickenpox Incident**

_Pressure levels normal. Oxygen levels normal. Temperature: 67 F._

_Location: Yangtze System  
_

_Standard Time: __2183.19.02 - 2183.25.02_

* * *

Day One

When she got to the morning briefing, two of her crew were missing. Pressly and Tali were nowhere to be seen. Shepard raised a brow sceptically.

"Where's Pressly?" she asked.

"Called in sick," Kaidan reported.

"And Tali?"

"Quarantined herself. She refuses to leave the engine room while there is a chance any of us might infect her."

Shepard sighed loudly. _Great_. Her XO was down with the man-flu and her hypersensitive quarian engineer had an infection scare. Ideal conditions for any vital mission on their pursuit of Saren. This would throw them off by days!

"Right. We can't afford an epidemic on the ship, soooo... increase the hygiene measures?" Shepard asked with a glance at Dr. Chakwas, who nodded.

"I'd also suggest preventive treatment, and vaccines for all essential crew who were not part of the Van Der Linden Vaccination campaign," she suggested, then took a glance at her datapad, "Which applies to… Williams, Alenko, both Dravens, Dubyansky, and – ironically – XO Pressly."

Shepard nodded, vividly remembering the painful multi-vaccination she had received when she had been just a child and joined her mother on the Einstein for the first time. It was common in that time to undergo a broad immunisation scheme for everyone working on space stations or ships for a prolonged period of time, in order to prevent common infections. The flu, mainly, but also such things as pneumonia, tetanus, diphtheria, chickenpox, a variety of food borne diseases and respiratory infections. What _could_ be prevented, modern medicine did prevent. The downside of the Van Der Linden vaccination campaign was that for about three days after the injection, you felt like you wanted to die. Probably why she remembered it so vividly. Not only the injection site – usually the upper arm, rarer the thigh – hurt like a bitch for three days (she had barely been able to move her arm). Also, the immune system usually reacted heavily to it, some experiencing mild to severe discomfort. Knowing that, she figured she'd have to take Garrus, Wrex or Liara with her on the next ground mission, as Tali would not leave the engine room and Alenko and Williams would not be up to speed after the vaccination.

"Is there reason to assume what Pressly has is infectious?" Alenko inquired.

"I do believe his infection is viral, yes, the lab test is running as we speak and should be done within the hour, then I'll know more."

"But is it something that would affect Tali?"

"I know very little of quarian physiology, to be honest, but the way I understand it, _everything_ would affect Tali. Especially a human bug, considering she has never been in any contact with humans before," Chakwas admitted with a shrug.

"Right. Crew dismissed. Alenko, Williams, let the Doc check you out right now."

"Aye Ma'am," both replied and saluted, then followed Chakwas as the crew left the com room.

Within the hour, as the doctor had promised, the result of Pressly's test came in.

_Chickenpox_.

* * *

Day Two

He felt horrible. That stupid vaccination! Why had he let the doc do that to him?! On top of a bad migraine he woke up with this morning, he now also could not move his arm, had a mild fever hand in hand with cold sweats, could barely sit upright without vertigo and just felt overall miserable.

Kaidan had spent the night in the med bay, where Pressly was staying as well, the XO in a quarantine cell with his rash spreading all over his body – but still the nerve to crack jokes about how Kaidan looked like he was having a nice chat with Death. Williams, too, took the piss out of him. She looked like the new spring, not affected by the vaccination in the least (not quite, she clearly had trouble moving her arm – and had therefore been left on the Normandy when Shepard, Wrex and Garrus had gone to investigate a strange distress signal from a planet – but no signs of disease) when she came by bright and early in the morning with a coffee and a big grin on her face.

"Look at you. Men are such babies, it's adorable!" she teased.

"Shut up, Ash." He growled, covering his eyes against the uncomfortably bright light of the med bay.

"Just thought I'd bring you coffee and let you know Shep, Garrus and Wrex went down on this rock we've been circling, they think they found a the labs."

"Any sign of Admiral Kahoku?" he asked. Ashley shook her head and sat down next to him.

"Honestly, I don't think we'll find him alive," she admitted. He nodded quietly. The whole thing around Kahoku was taking its toll out of all of them. First they had his missing men delivered back to him, all dead, then tha man himself goes of on a solo-mission to investigate the death of his unit. Now he dropped off the radar, presumably looking for the labs he wanted to investigate.

Ashley looked up. "How are you holding up, XO?"

"Itchy. But I'll get by. How's that quarian?"

"She has a name, you know. Tali," Kaidan corrected the XO. After the talk he had had with Shepard a few days back, about the sensitive interactions between species, he was more alert than ever to make sure their alien allies were actually seen as that, not as intruders.

"I know, I know…" Pressly mumbled.

"Don't know how she's holding up, she won't talk to me because I just got vaccinated, she thinks I am some virus mother ship. It's kind of cute how worried she is."

"The quarian immune system is highly vulnerable. A harmless infection might easily cause a great deal of trouble for her, even kill her," Liara T'Soni said, looking in from her lab. She had taken the habit of leaving the door open to chat with Dr. Chakwas when they were both working, so she now rolled her chair back to look out at the chatting humans.

"She could _die_ because I have a silly rash?" Pressly asked, honest worry in his voice.

"I do not know. But I would not rule it out," Liara said.

"Tali knows what she's doing. She's been a quarian for a while, you know? I am sure she knows exactly how to protect herself," Ashley said with a grin. Then she bumped into Kaidan's shoulder. "And she's not nearly as whiny about it as you are."

He growled a little and covered his eyes again, causing both Ashley and Liara to laugh. They both enjoyed this way too much.

* * *

Day Three

The med bay door slid open and Shepard wandered in with a smile.

"How's my favourite Lieutenant?" she asked and sat down next to Kaidan. At least he was sitting today. According to Ashley, yesterday he had barely been able to move, let alone sit up. He smiled at her when he looked over, seemed tired, exhausted, but he was getting there, she could tell.

"Better."

She nodded and looked over at the quarantine cell with her XO, playing a game on his data pad.

"Lookin' good, Pressly."

"Just a bit spotty, Ma'am. Nothing to worry about."

"Just you wait until you're better and Chakwas will make you get that shot as well. You'll be much worse," Kaidan mumbled.

"Sometimes the cure is worse than the disease… I remember my Van Der Linden shot," Shepard said with a laugh. "I was… eight, I think. Couldn't move my arm, and every time I sat up or moved too quickly, I threw up. It was horrible… well, I'm not going to bother you two, recovering and all, I want to check on Tali."

"Do that. I am a little worried about her…"

"I need her to get out of that engine room and check on the Mako, I think I might have broken something…" Shepard admitted. Kaidan laughed and it was good to hear that, it meant he was getting better. She got up from his bed, a hand on his arm. For a moment she could not help but appreciate how damn nice he felt. "Get better soon, LT."

"I will."

They smiled, gazes lingering, before she eventually left the med bay to find Tali in the engine room. The door was locked, Adams was working on one of the outside terminals and she cast him a questioning look. He shrugged.

"Haven't seen 'er in days. I really need to go in there, Ma'am. It's been two days, I need to run regular diagnostics and I know she does them just fine, but I need to log them for the Alliance, I'm still chief engineer in the books…," the engineer said, worry in his voice. Shepard sighed, pressed the com button on the door panel.

"Tali, it's Shepard, open up."

"No."

A quick, clear response, no argument allowed. At least the girl had her priorities straight. Shepard sighed once more.

"I am not sick."

"Just because you don't feel it does not mean you are not sick, Shepard. You could carry it around, silently spreading it… waiting to strike…"

"I was vaccinated as a child and I am taking preventive meds. I'm the Commander, I can't get sick. Let me in."

There was a moment of silence before the red lights on the door turned green. The door slid open and closed immediately behind Shepard. Tali sat in a corner of the engine room, in a little isolation bubble she had built herself, arms crossed, legs pulled up, curled in a little ball. "Tali, sweetie, this is not a solution."

"It works just fine for me," Tali insisted. Like a stubborn child, and Shepard remembered how much younger than them the quarian was. Barely out of her teenage years, left home for the first time. She realised what this was. Tali was scared. She was alone on a strange ship with strange people on a mission with not a single certain variable. She was homesick. Shepard remembered her first time on a ship, she had barely dared wander out of her mother's quarters, had been scared of most people on deck and had hidden most of the time, played with her little model spaceships and pretended to be a great spacefarer, while being just too scared to go out there and be that brave adventurer. How far she had come since then. For the first time she was in her own mother's shoes.

"You're scared, I understand. All of this is new, all of this is admittedly terrifying and-"

"I am not scared, Shepard."

She could hear the quarian roll her eyes so dramatically they probably popped back in her skull. "I am cautious. I don't want to catch a bug and die a gruesome death somewhere among-"

"Among strangers?"

Tali fell silent and looked away.

"Among people who don't understand," she whispered.

"Don't understand?"

"I am quarian, Shepard. I don't have a proper immune system. That is not your fault, but it means I am not like the rest of your crew."

Shepard smiled and sat down next to her, with the bubble walls between them.

"You think we wouldn't make sure you're safe? You think Chakwas did not take any and all precautions to keep this bug from spreading? You know, when we learned Pressly was sick, Chakwas ordered us all on meds and everyone who was not vaccinated as a kid had to get the vaccination done. Kaidan is in the med bay now because he has a bad reaction to the shot he took to keep this bug from spreading. Pressly has asked to be put in solitary isolation until he's not contagious anymore. They did that for you. We're disinfecting every surface meticulously to contain the spread. No one on this ship wants you to get sick. No one on this ship makes fun of you. We may not understand all of it, but we know it's important to you. We know infections are a threat to you and we take that very serious, because you're part of our crew and we care and we want you to feel safe."

There was a long silence, Tali had still not looked back at her. There was just the low hum of the engine's drive core, the soft buzz of the air filter through which the quarian was breathing. And then, after a while, Tali looked up.

"You do all that for me?"

"Of course we do. We care. If you feel safer staying in here, that's okay, but you can't maintain the engine all on your own, Adams wants to help. And I need your help with the Mako. I know it is a big step to try and trust us… but I promise you, it will be worth it."

The words her mother had used that night when she had hidden under the table after one of the navigators had tried to give her a little model frigate. _They care, Jemma, they care for you, they want you to feel safe. I know it is a big step to try and trust them, but I promise you it will be worth it_. She hoped these words would help Tali as much as they had helped her, hoped she had as much confidence in her voice as Hannah Shepard had back then.

"Is Adams on antivirals as well?" the quarian finally asked. Shepard activated her omni-tool.

"Adams, you vaccinated?"

"Aye Ma'am."

"And you're on meds now?"

"Aye Ma'am."

Shepard looked over at Tali and after a moment, the quarian reluctantly nodded. Shepard smiled.

"Get in here Adams, you got work to do."

A moment passed and the door opened, Adams walked in, found the two women sit in the corner and smiled.

"Thanks Tali."

Tali just nodded quietly.

"You gonna stay in that bubble?" Shepard asked.

"A bit, yes. But I'll work on it. What does the Mako need?"

"I don't know, the engine makes funny noises. But there's no rush. Take your time."

Shepard got up and – for lack of access to pat the girls shoulder – patted the top of the bubble, just above the quarian's head. She left the engine room.

Adams later reported that, while she did _not_ leave the engine room yet, Tali _did_ leave the bubble eventually.

* * *

Day Four

"Hey, look who came out of her cave!"

Tali flinched at the loud declaration by the turian who was working on the Mako's guns. He immediately noticed and back paddled, much quieter: "How are you?"

"I am fine, I think. As long as no one… you know… touches me or sneezes on me or anything… Did the Mako go through decontamination? I promised Shepard to do the necessary repairs."

She was reluctant to get within 2 standard meters of Garrus, and she was painfully aware of Ashley and Wrex watching her from their end of the cargo bay. She was a freak. They had to think that. She could not even blame them, she was behaving like a freak. But they could not understand that it was more for her than 'a little bug' – it was more than a flu, more than an itchy rash. One disease got in, her immune system would be too busy fighting it off and any other diseases that felt like it could invade and before she knew it, she was down with multiple infections. They just did not understand…

"Standard decon, plus a hygiene check ordered by Chakwas this morning," Garrus confirmed. Tali nodded quietly. When she got closer, he stepped away and she noticed that, like a little dance, without ever even touching. She appreciated it. Maybe Shepard was right. So they did not fully understand her physiology, or her struggle, but they tried. They tried to make her feel safe, and that helped. A lot.

"I'll take a look."

"It's a problem with the engine. She was a bit rough. I don't know, I think Shepard has something against roads. There was a path _right there_, but nah, she had to go over the rocks. Why take the easy way, right? She says enemies would expect her to take the open road so she picks the most obscure one instead, says it's an element of surprise. I think that's bullshit. I think she's just a really damn bad driver..."

"Sounds like Shepard…" Tali mumbled. She hesitated a bit when reaching the engine door of the Mako, fingers reluctant to touch the tank. The turian cleared his throat awkwardly.

"Do you… need anything? Any equipment?" he asked almost out of her visual field.

"No, I think my omni-tool should be enough. I'll call if I need anything."

"You do that. I'll be right here."

With a deep, brave breath, she opened the Mako and got to work.

* * *

Day Five

Chakwas inspected the crusted spots on navigator Pressly's torso and nodded several times.

"Looks good, I think you're safe."

"You mean I can leave the tank? It gets kind of boring…"

"I think you're good to go. I don't detect any new virus shedding. Take it slow today and tomorrow and then you should be back to normal. And maybe stay away from Tali. I am sure she understands that you're no longer contagious, but we shouldn't take any risks," Chakwas suggested. Pressly nodded.

"Sure. I don't really get to the engine room anyway. Anyone else get it?"

"No one. It's a good thing you came to me so early, we had it perfectly under control."

"Good. That's good. Wouldn't want to risk the mission with something so silly."

* * *

Day Six

Shepard had run to the med bay and arrived there a bit out of breath.

"How is she?!" she asked alarmed when she reached Chakwas' office. The doctor was scanning the quarian with her omni-tool and looked rather perplexed at the sudden burst of excitement. And Shepard relaxed instantly when she saw the quarian still sitting up, still moderately vital.

"She's fine, Commander. A mild cold, nothing too serious, I dare say even for quarians. She'll stay here for a day or two, recover, I'll monitor her condition. She should be fine."

Shepard stormed closer, pure worry in her eyes.

"This is my fault. I am so sorry I made you come out of your bubble!"

But much to her surprise, Tali laughed and shook her head. When she spoke, she sounded a bit muffled and interrupted herself with two coughs, but other than that, she seemed… actually quite happy.

"Don't be sorry. I will be okay. It is nothing serious."

"I feel like I pushed you. I shouldn't have done that."

But Tali reached over and put a hand on her arm. Shepard nearly gasped. It was perhaps the first time the quarian sought contact, her thin hand and fingers light, could hardly be felt through her suit. She did not see the girls face but for some reason, she was absolutely sure Tali smiled.

"It's okay. I thought a lot about what you said, about trusting people. And I think you were right. I want to trust. I want to be part of this crew."

It took her a moment, then Shepard smiled back and nodded.

She did not know then. She did not know enough about the quarian culture to understand the enormity of the gesture, of stepping out of her bubble, of wanting to be part of the crew, how much that meant from a quarian. She would understand, much later. And look back at this chickenpox incident with a fond smile.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

I kinda loved writing this bit! I love Tali! And I had a lot of fun imagining a bit of science fiction medicine. Probably all very unrealistic, but I had fun anyways. I wanted to write about the chickenpox incident ever since Tali mentions it in ME2, now I finally did it! I like to imagine Tali is a little bit like a baby sister for Shep. She's so young! Tali was born in 2161, that means she's, like, 22 during the first mission. And she never left the Migrant Fleet, I'd imagine she would be secretly terrified of everything. She covers it up well, but I guess if something out of the ordinary happens, like a disease outbreak she doesn't know, she'd actually panic. aaaand I wanted a little awkward encounter between Tali and Garrus, mainly because I ship those two like fedex and that's the main reason why I just can't romance Garrus, I like the idea of them ending up together too freakin much!

Anyways, had fun with this chapter, hope you have fun as well. There are a lot of my favourite pieces coming up next, a lot of serious Shenko, awww yes!

Come back for more and leave comments!


	13. Closure

**Closure**

_Pressure levels normal. Oxygen levels normal. Temperature: 67 F._

_Location: Yangtze System  
_

_Standard Time: __2183.27.02_

* * *

It had been a bloodbath.

The pirates who had lured them there – who had lured _her_ there – never knew what hit them once they had escaped the mineshaft with the bomb. She had gone berserk and Kaidan had never seen anything like it.

Shepard seemed so calm, so collected, so fully in control of herself, she had this aura of peace that just made it easy to follow her. Around her, you could believe anything was possible, not matter how terrible the odds. But he had never seen her like this. He had never imagined she could be cruel, never imagined she would lack mercy. Until today, when he saw that different side of her. A side that suddenly explained her reputation, her status, her N7 training.

They had found the pirate camp and she had not even bothered with taking cover. Her biotics had flared up – he rarely saw her use them – and formed a powerful shield around her that just turned the bullets fired her way to dust. She looked like a blue burning angel of death when she just marched up to the camp. She had her shot gun in one hand, blew large holes in the men that tried to cross her way, those that got to close she took out in hand to hand combat, until she reached their leader. Elanos Halliat, the man who had lured her here. The man behind the attack on Elysium. She did not even let him talk. She grabbed him by the throat, biotics jolting through his body, paralysing him. She slammed him to the ground, pointed her shotgun right at his eyes and fired. She turned his head and face into an unidentifiable mess of blood, bones, and brain matter, splattered across the dry dirt, then just turned towards Kaidan and said a monotonous _'Take his prints, send everything we find here to the Alliance'_.

After that, she had not said a word. No conversation on the ride back to the pick-up location, no debriefing, just cold, hard silence. She had been in her office an awfully long time now, filing her report, and he was worried. Because he had _never_ seen her like this. He had never seen, never even dared to guess, how deep the scars of Elysium ran.

Kaidan wanted to help her, wanted to be there for her, somehow. But he did not know how, because he did not know what she needed. Did she need someone to talk to,someone to quietly sit next to her and say nothing, did she need to be left alone all together? He just did not know.

They were approaching Noveria and he felt like he should let her know, like he should check in on her. But he was not sure how to even start that conversation. So he just stood in front of her office door, contemplating, until he was startled by movement in the corner of his eyes. Wrex made his way from the crew deck elevator to the kitchen and by the time the krogan returned, Kaidan had still not moved. It seemed to concern him. The krogan stood by the elevator for a moment, seemed to contemplate. So far, Kaidan had barely interacted with Wrex outside the battlefield, and looking at the mercenary right now, he seemed to weigh whether he wanted to start a conversation or just keep up the polite nodding on the ship hallways. Eventually, Wrex did walk closer.

"She been in there since we got back?" he asked.

"Yeah… I don't know what to do," Kaidan admitted. Wrex just shook his head.

"Have you fought in the Blitz?"

"I… not the way she has…" he admitted. Wrex nodded and looked at the closed door separating them from their Commander. Every Alliance soldier had been involved in the Blitz one way or another. But not like Shepard. Not alone on the front line, with barely a hand full of trained soldiers, and a colony of civilians to protect against an onslaught of batarian slavers. She rarely showed just how on edge the memory left her. Of course he knew she did not sleep well, she said it was because of the beacon but he could tell there was more and he just assumed it was memories from Elysium. She never talked about it. The only time she had mentioned it was in that night after they had found Kahoku's men. That had been the only time she had let down that front she wore day in day out and had honestly shown just how broken she had been after Elysium - and how long it had taken her to piece herself together. But today, it was undeniable. He was afraid that she was falling apart, he could not bear see her broken.

"War leaves scars. You can't see them, but they're there. Some might eventually crack and fall apart. Not Shepard, though."

Kaidan looked up at the krogan with a neutral expression.

"You really do respect her, don't you?"

"Shepard is a battlemaster, if ever I have seen one. There are few who are not krogan I would say this about. But she understands war. War is in her blood, it's part of who she is. She is suitable only for the battlefield and there are very few like her. I may not agree with all her… idealist, lovey-dovey open door policy crap. But I will admit that Shepard is one of the finest warriors I have ever met. If I were not her ally, I would be honoured to be her enemy."

Kaidan did not know particularly much about krogan culture other than it being violent and cruel and bloody, and war being the highest of honours to them. Knowing that, he assumed considering someone a formidable enemy had to be a high form of respect among the krogan.

"I think I underestimated your loyalty, Wrex."

"You underestimate a lot of things, Earthling."

Kaidan laughed.

"Oh? Like what?"

Yet before the krogan could respond, the door slid open and Shepard bumped into them, surprise on her face. She looked oddly refreshed, or maybe she just hid the terror well?

"Oh, hey boys. You… need anything?"

"Nah, nothing particular…" Kaidan said.

"I just bumped into him, _he_ was lurking outside your office. Talk it over. I'm outta here."

And after dropping that bomb, Wrex just turned and left him with the embarrassment of admitting that he had, indeed, been lurking outside her office. When he turned back to Shepard, her green eyes were wide open, looking up at him with the question of what he needed.

"I just… wanted to make sure you were alright."

She smiled.

"Oh… Kaidan… I am fine, but thank you for worrying. I got my closure. I actually feel... really good about it. This chapter of my life is finally over, I can move forward. Do you dance?"

"D-eh uhm… what?"

"_Dance_. I heard Noveria has a fantastic restaurant with live jazz and was thinking of going there once we've investigated Benezia's whereabouts. A nice dinner, instead of mess mystery meat. Thought you might want to… join me?" she said, then added "As friends?"

Was she asking him out? Was this happening right now, was Shepard asking him to have dinner with her? Had he just spontaneously switched to another universe? Dinner _'as friends'_? Dinner, and dancing, with her, which presumably involved touching her, his hand on her waist, possibly close enough to feel her breath. Shepard possibly in a dress, some nice fabric hugging her curves beautifully, possibly her hair down for once, the opportunity to run his fingers through - if presented. The thought made him struggle for words.

"C-Commander, I-"

She blinked surprised, as if she had only just remembered that she was his superior officer.

"Oh… damn, here I go again… sorry, regulations. Forget I brought it up."

She patted his shoulder, like a friend would. But he just felt not like a friend at all. He felt terrible, because all he wanted right about now was to dance, close enough to feel her heartbeat, close enough to bury his face in her hair, kiss her, like their life depended on it.

"Shepard!"  
She looked back when he called her name and he realised he had not thought that through, _at all_! "I... um… I'd like dinner."

She granted him the most perfect, beautiful smile he had ever seen. He had to stare at her like she was some divine intervention right now. How could this woman be the same cold-blooded warrior Goddess he had witnessed just a few hours earlier?

"Great. We'll make plans when we get there."

* * *

**Author's Note: **

_Some cute Shenko for you guys, and more to come in the next chapters! (There's actually a pretty steamy sparring session coming up for those two, hehehe)._

_I always had the feeling for the War Hero path, the assignment involving Halliat went over waaaaay to business as usual, I'd think with her history, that would cause a bit more concern for Shep on the Normandy. After all, it was a guys personal vendetta. I even headcanon a bit that at some point Halliat might have tried to get Thane to kill her (looooong before they ever met in 2185) but he turned it down because of Shep's (paragon) reputation. _

_And I think killing him was too 'ordinary' so I wanted to show a different side of my Shep here, a side she only shows very very rarely during the ME1 events, but will show much more often during her time with Cerberus. There's a bit of renegade in all of them, isn't it? _

_Next chapter is a mother daughter chapter I've been really looking forward to :) _

_Keep commenting and keep reading, or message me, if you don't want to comment publicly! I don't bite, unless asked to._


	14. Mother Knows Best

**Mother Knows Best**

_Pressure levels normal. Oxygen levels normal. Temperature: 67 F._

_Location: Port Hanshan docking station. _

_Standard Time: 2183.28.02_

* * *

It had been hell on Noveria. Hell on all levels. In the labs of Peak 15, they had been through what could have easily been the plot of a nostalgic, trashy horror movie. Abandoned high security lab infested by monstrous aliens that hid in air vents and pipes and attacked without warning, used biotics and spat acid. Over and over, they had been attacked by these creatures. Acid had torn a large hole into one of her favourite armour sets and she was bruised and beaten. But they were alive. For now.

She had been down there with Garrus and Liara and the result of the mission had left the young asari devastated. What had happened to the Matriarch hit close to home, for all of them. Liara and her mother had not been close, but that did not change that she had loved Benezia. After the mission, Shepard and Ashley had gone to Liara's lab to make sure she was alright. They had been there for about an hour, until the asari assured them she would be fine. But they were not fine. Ashley excused herself, said she would call her sisters because she felt like she needed family right about now. And Shepard herself was shaken up. The thought of losing her own mother the way Liara lost hers made Shepard call the Kilimanjaro basically instantly after she left Liara's lab, even before doing her debriefing to the Council.

"This is Hannah Shepard," came the response from the other end of the FTL line, her mother's calm voice just as soothing as she remembered. It had been a long time since they last talked.

"Hi mom."

"Oh, Jemma, darling, how nice to hear your voice! David told me about your promotion, and your ship. Congratulations!" Captain Hannah Shepard said excited. Shepard could hear her mother get comfortable, no doubt on a couch in her captains quarters, probably with a fine glass of scotch or a good wine. "How are you? Is there anything I can do to help your mission?"

"No, nothing. I just… I had hell of a day and wanted to hear your voice. How's life?"

"Life is good. The ship runs smooth. Business as usual. How's _your_ life, that is the far more exciting question."

"Good. I have a great crew, a great ship… we'll see this mission through, I think."

"Of course you will. And I am _so_ proud of you."

She heard her mother's smile in her words. A proud smile, an honest smile, a smile of surely perfectly coloured red lips. Hannah Shepard really was the original trouble-shooting space diva.

"How's Rookie?"

"She's great! She'll join me here in a few weeks, term break at her school. Maybe I'll call you then, I am sure she'd love to talk to you. She's so excited. Her big sister, the first human Spectre."

"I'd like that. I miss her."

"She misses you too, darling."

"Heard anything from dad?"

"Oh, you know, the usual. I think he and Amy are thinking about getting married."

"Oh… okay…"

Shepard had to swallow. It would be silly to claim she had had any hopes of her parents getting back together, she was not so naïve. John and Hanna Shepard had been divorced for a long time. Rookie had been barely two when they finally called it quits and even before that, their relationship had been strained. Long distance was one thing, being stationed in two completely different star systems was another thing entirely. She knew Amy, her father's current partner. She was a civilian doctor, no regs prevented them from a relationship, and they were happy. Amy was sweet, she did like her well enough. But the thought of her father marrying another woman… still felt strange, Especially considering Hanna Shepard had never even considered remarrying.

"Oh, sweetie, don't sound so upset. It's alright. Amy makes him happy, and that's all that matters. Life is too short to be unhappy."

"What about you, mom. Are you happy?"

"I have my ship. And my two girls. What more could I _possibly_ want? You know, when I was younger, I never even wanted to marry, I never wanted kids. I wanted to fly. I wanted a ship and travel space. I got to do all that. And, on top of that, I have two incredible daughters. I loved your father, dearly, but the ones I love with all my heart, until the end of time and beyond, are you and Rukia. And my ship."

Shepard smiled and nodded.

"Yeah, that sounds like you…"

"What about you? Are _you_ happy?"

Shepard hesitated. Was she happy? She was like her mother in so many ways. She loved space. She loved the darkness, the uncertainty, the challenge, and the eternity of it. Loved how insignificant everything else was when compared to space, how they were all just objects floating around, temporary, and so very perishable in an eternal universe. She loved to know that there was something so much bigger, so much vaster, so much more important. That was her understanding of God: no matter what they did (no matter how bad they messed things up), it all paled compared to the enormity that was their Universe. So in a way, she had everything she wanted. A ship, a loyal crew, a purpose. But was she happy?

"I think I am."

"You think?"

Shepard did not reply immediately. Because she realised she was also her father's daughter. And while her mother had always wanted space, her father had always wanted family. And something in her wanted that as well. Maybe that was why she was so fiercely protective of her crew. They were her family. Tali was a little sister, like Rookie would be if she were on this ship. Garrus was the big brother she would get in all sorts of trouble with. Wrex was the grumpy uncle. Liara the sweet cousin. Joker was the sarcastic little brother. Ashley was the quirky sister, the one who would always challenge her. And Kaidan… was… what was Kaidan to her…? She had been thinking about that a lot those past days. To no satisfactory ends.

And because mothers, even when they are light years away, _always_ know, Hannah Shepard asked: "Is there a significant someone, Jemma? You know… you're not getting any younger, and you've been alone so long… I'd love to know that there is someone looking out for you."

"I…"

"I saw the recruitment vid about the Normandy. What about Lieutenant Alenko, he looks dreamy."

Shepard sighed. She really had to watch that vid, it seemed. Everyone was talking about it – her mother, Ashley's sisters – and _everyone_ agreed Kaidan looked 'dreamy' in it. Dreamy? What kind of word was that even, dreamy? He was not _dreamy_. Sure, he was handsome. Incredibly handsome. Ridiculously, inappropriately handsome. But _dreamy_? Dreamy would imply something unreal. But Kaidan was… so very, very real.

"He is. Kaidan's… he's… I…"

"Did I hit a nerve?" Hanna asked and Shepard could vividly see her wiggle her perfectly plucked eyebrows with excitement.

"You're my mother, you _always_ hit a nerve."

Hanna chuckled.

"Is it serious? Tell me about him."

"He's one of my officers, mom. There are regs."

"Screw the regs. If I had listened to the regs, you and your sister would not have been born. You only live once, Jemma. And with the kind of work we do, you never know what happens tomorrow. Live today. Now tell me about him."

Shepard sighed. She had never really… thought about it. She had avoided it if at all possible. Because she was afraid thinking about it, about him, about what could be, would make her realise it was what she wanted, and with the regs and the mission, she was not sure if she could afford that kind of distraction. But having her mother ask about him, she was suddenly forced to put it into words. And that was too easy, too comfortable, to be healthy.

"He's… my moral compass. Over the past weeks I had to make some tough decisions and… when I don't know what is right or wrong anymore… I turn to him. I turn to him for approval. I know I shouldn't, but I… just knowing that he thinks what I do is right is enough. Today… I was faced with the choice to wipe out an entire species or save it and risk them overrunning the entire galaxy. That is a decision no one should have to make alone. And he wasn't there. He was on the ship, I was in the lab. And making that call… I stood there and… I needed him there. I can't do this on my own, mom. And he… he's…"

"Jemma, listen to me. You don't need to do this on your own. Just because every now and then you need someone to turn to, someone to lean on, does not make you weak. It makes you human."

There it was. Human. That was what it felt like when she was around him. With him, she felt like she did not need to be perfect. Wrex and Garrus and Liara all looked at her like she was some chosen one, each in their way. Wrex saw her as a battlemaster, the one who had proven to be the strongest, the one he could follow. Garrus saw her as an opportunity to break free from the job he had been unhappy with. Liara saw her as some kind of scientific miracle, a human with the ability to process prothean data. But Kaidan… Kaidan saw her as a human being, as a living, breathing, flawed person. She had never been one to rely on others but sometimes, even she had to admit that, it felt good to have someone else carry the burden with you, to have someone to talk to when times got rough and she did not know the way anymore.

"It does… I suppose… He's a good man. No. He's… a _great_ man."

"You sound like you really care for him. I am going to say this to you only once. Life is short, Commander. You have a great man on your crew, a man you care for, a man you like. Don't let regs stop you from what your heart wants. Because life is too short. If he's up for it… enjoy every minute you have with him."

Shepard smiled.

"I love you, mom."

"I love you too, Jemma. Always."

Three years later, she would think back to this conversation while watching Kaidan Alenko prepare dinner in Anderson's apartment for the two of them. Oh how much time they had wasted, oh what they could have been. Oh what a shame.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

_I really really like Hannah Shepard and the idea of mother and daughter being badass in the Alliance. So I had fun writing this. If ever there was a Shenko shipper, in my headcanon it's Shepard's mom. If she had been there on Horizon, she would have locked these two up in an elevator or something and only let them out when they were done talking things over.  
_

_I know canonically the spacer background Shepard does not have any siblings, but I wanted her to have a little sister who is her ultimate number one fan! Hence, Rukia was introduced._

_Next chapter gets steamy! So come back for it, it'll be worth it (I hope you agree...)._

_EDIT: For the guest reviewer, because I can't respond to you directly - the last paragraph hints at a lot of things and I kinda don't want to get ahead too much, but them being in Anderson's apartment together and Shep thinking back to a conversation where her mother mentioned that she should enjoy every minute with him, it's a pretty safe bet that they're a couple. _


	15. Sparring

**Sparring**

_Pressure levels normal. Oxygen levels normal. Temperature: 67 F._

_Location: Terra Nova, central space port. _

_Standard Time: 2183.30.02_

* * *

Many things had happened in the last days. The mission on Noveria, Benezia's death, the choice to set the rachni Queen free and the Council's dismay with her decision, the talk with her mother... and the run in with the batarian terrorists had been the last straw. She had not been sure how she would react. Ever since Elysium, her attitude towards batarians was... problematic. She had seen it coming, the choice between saving hostages and capturing a batarian terrorist. And at any other time, she was terrified of the fact that she would have gone after Balak without a second thought, damn the hostages. But today, when she had been faced with the choice... she had let the terrorist go and had saved the hostages instead. She had to laugh at herself because of it. Was she _actually_ turning into a better person? The moral compass was helping, it seemed. She had her closure for Elysium. Halliat was dead, there was no reason for more bloodshed.

But all these events left her tense, on edge, and she needed to relieve that.

They were stocking up on supplies on Terra Nova, one of the most pulsing human colonies, and it allowed her a moment of down time. The crew was mostly ashore, she kept things in order here, Chakwas was upstairs in her med bay, Ashley had ordered Liara to dress up nicely and have a nice dinner because that was what mom would want. She could be very persuasive that way.

Shepard had changed out of armour and into loose trousers and a tight-fitting sports top barely covering her bellybutton. She taped her ankles and wrists, pulled her hair into a tight tail and went into the cargo hall.

There was much pent-up in her. Rage at the council, anger, disappointment, worry, fear… so many things she _needed_ to feel, she needed to get out of her system, but had not really had the chance to. She needed to exhaust every last bit of energy she had right now. So she packed punches and kicks. Lots of them.

After a few rounds, she took a bottle of cool water, drank part of it, the rest she poured over her head, to wash away the salty sweat and the exhaustion. She was tired. So _damn_ tired. Sleep had been difficult before, but now… all she saw when she closed her eyelids was nightmares of blood and circuits, harvested bodies wasting away under the machines and –

She turned away from the punching bag and stacked a few empty weapon crates before taking position, firing bursts of biotic energy in often repeated, well-trained battle formations. Slams and pushes, pulls and lifts. She was exerting herself, she knew she was pushing it. But for what was to come, for the inevitable stand-off against Saren, she needed all her skills and damn she should have done this years ago. She had been sloppy with her biotics because she never 'needed' them. A big gun had removed her obstacles just fine and the only thing she needed the biotics for was to boost her shields.

Her skills were crude, clumsy for someone who could blow a batarian slaver's head off from three blocks away with a sniper rifle. She had always been terrible at this and right now, that frustrated her to the point of nearly breaking down in tears. Maybe that would be good? Maybe crying was what she needed. She could not even remember the last time she cried. She felt her knees shake from exhaustion, muscles burning, not just from her training right now but from the physical stress this entire mission put her under day after day after... how many days had it been since Eden Prime? Two weeks? Three? It would be so very, very easy to just collapse now. Where no one saw her, where no one would witness her weakness, where she could just… _admit_, for once, that all of this was overwhelming her, breaking her.

The touch startled her at first, a hand, barely holding her hip, his thumb brushing just a bit of skin above the waistband of her trousers. He took her hand in his, long, strong fingers brushed hers as he raised both their hands. She felt the warmth of his body against her back, his chest firm and safe, was surrounded by the scent of the aftershave she knew he used because she could smell it every time he walked by and she was actually a bit embarrassed that she recognised it.

_Kaidan Alenko. _

That infuriating man she could just not figure out. What was this, between them? Shepard enjoyed her casual flirts, she would be lying if she said otherwise. But this… _this_ was different. Back in that lab on Noveria, faced with that monumental decision whether she should kill or free the rachni queen, she had realised more than ever before that she… _needed_ him. She needed the reassuring confidence in his eyes, needed the little comment from the background, the small _'You did the right thing, Commander'_. Was this, between them, more than just physical attraction?

"You try too hard. Don't push it, let it flow," he said, his voice close to her ear, the vibration of his chest against her back.

It felt incredibly good to be this close.

"Spying on me, LT?" she asked.

"I was doing maintenance on the Mako. You just didn't notice me," he said and she could hear his smirk.

She had tried her very best to ignore it, to ignore the almost shy smiles he cast her way, the way he had stumbled over his own words back on the Citadel the other day, the way he had seemed jealous when Liara had offered to join their minds in order to understand the visions fed into her brain, the way he sometimes made it so obviously clear that he was interested. She had tried to keep it strictly professional, always called herself to order when she let a flirtation slip, or when her mind drifted off to highly inappropriate thoughts. _Really_. But he was not making it very easy. Especially right now, this up close and personal. "Relax. It's just like your gun. Just imagine it as an extension of yourself, feel the power, _you_ control it, not the other way around..."

She blinked, tried to focus on his words. Not his breath, so warm on her earlobe. Not his arm, slowly crawling around her waist to hold her closer, not the burning heat she could feel from the crest of her scalp right down to her tiptoes when he put one knee between hers, thighs touching, to just slightly alter her stance. She drew in several deep breaths, tried to focus before unleashing a burst of biotic energy, trickling through her body into her hand and… knocked the crates over all the same. She sighed frustrated. He chuckled.

"For someone with such finesse with a sniper rifle, you are remarkably untalented with a basic biotic lift," he whispered, his lips brushed her ear casually, caused pleasant chills to crawl down her spine.

"Next time _you_ do one, I'll be seductively whispering in _your_ ear, Alenko, see how well _you_ do."

He chuckled against her and _dear God_, was she turned on right now! Sparring would not be enough to relieve these particular tensions. Damn him and his disgustingly perfect voice!

"I think I'd like that," he said, _clearly_ before thinking about it, because when her head snapped around to face him, he stumbled over his own tongue. "Um... I mean... I don't mean..."

He was blushing. _Furiously_. And she had her inner voice (sounding _remarkably_ like Captain Anderson) repeatedly preach three words to her. _Chain of command_. _Chain of command. Chain of command with which I will tie Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko to my bed_. An image that almost made her blush just as furiously as he had. But she turned around none the less and stepped decidedly away from him.

"Take off your shirt, Lieutenant. I need a sparring partner and you just won the honour. Not the kind of date I had in mind, but it'll do."

He hesitated a moment, then laughed an adorably nervous laugh and nodded. He stepped back and pulled his shirt over his head, tossed it away. For a moment, she was admittedly distracted. Really, his naked torso was _everything_ that was right with this Galaxy. Again, not how she had hoped to see it on their 'date' but the dinner plans for Noveria had been rudely thwarted by ancient aliens and dying mothers.

"Biotics allowed?"

"No rules, LT."

He laughed and nodded.

They were both light on their feet. Starting with attempts at hitting each other, getting each other off balance, very little contact involved, testing the waters.

Then biotics started flaring, forming shields, unleashing controlled energy. He was a Sentinel, he was practically indestructible when all his shields and barriers were coordinated, she knew that, she knew she would not be getting far with her attacks, so instead she applied strategy, tried to distract his focus, avoided his precise, biotic bursts – much more precise and controlled than hers, she had to admit that, much to her dismay. He simply was the better biotic; there was no argument to it. But it allowed her to get closer to him, until he had to evade direct attacks by blocking her arms and kicks.

Things turned much more physical. And much hotter. She felt his energy field rub against hers, biotic sparks between them every time they touched. She evaded his attacks, quick exchanges of blows and strikes and it seemed for a moment they were equal. They were dancing, half in each other's arms, slightly out of breath, eyes locked. It was certainly not the kind of dance she had had in mind when she asked him the other day, but this seemed much more like them. Neither of them gave ground, allowed the other to gain the upper hand, they barely left room for manoeuvres, their bodies so close, their breaths mixing in exhausted gasps, and they seemed to try to pull each other closer, ever closer, seeking contact, longing for it.

She found herself with one arm pinned behind her back, his arm wrapped around her, his body so close it was almost an insult not to feel his skin against hers. She assumed he was certain to have her in a bind when he let his guard down and she shamelessly took advantage of it. She slipped a leg behind him, locked with his knee and managed to pull him out of balance with a precise push against his collar-bone that sent him falling backwards. He caught himself with biotics, but had an arm still around her, so he pulled her down with him, made her gasp perplexed when all of a sudden, they were both on the cold metal floor, she was straddling him, hands on his chest, face to face so close she could feel his breath on her lips. His eyes widened in a mix of pleasant surprise and shock, the biotic blue quickly made way for his deep golden brown. Out of breath, they stayed like that for a moment, too close to deny, too comfortable to part. And for a moment they forgot the regs. She felt his hand grab her hair still in its ponytail, his other arm wrapped around her waist, held her close and he slowly stretched up towards her, eyes on fire. Her hands were roaming over his broad chest and she did glance at his lips for just a second, wondering if he would be as wonderful a kisser as she had built him up to be in her mind.

He was so close, so unbelievably close, she was certain for just a brief second, his upper lip brushed her lower lip tentatively. It sent shivers down her spine and drew a small sigh from her – quire possibly a moan. Yet before their lips could truly meet, the radio cracked.

"Commander, you have a message from the Council, they seem to have an urgent lead on Saren, something about… Virmire," Joker declared.

She bit her lower lip when she had to pull away and jump to her feet.

"I'll be right there," she said and then pulled Kaidan to his feet.

"Ma'am…" he whispered, still out of breath and unable to pull his gaze away from her. Equally unable to hide the grin. He, too, seemed to have enjoyed that way more than was appropriate.

"We'll finish this later, Lieutenant," she said, something much too urgent in her voice. So much for playing hard to get. Really, why was she even trying? What was the point in kidding herself? She was falling for her Lieutenant, and she was falling hard.

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

_SHENKO! Woohooo! I had fun writing this, I always wanted to write a Shenko sparring scene that's not really a sparring scene but a 'how close can we get to making out without actually making out?' scene. And here it is! Something light, a bit sexy, a bit steamy, before the inevitable heartbreak that is Virmire._

_Have fun and comment :)_


	16. Earth

**Earth**

_Pressure levels normal. Oxygen levels normal. Temperature: 67 F._

_Location: Local Cluster, Sol system, Earth orbit _

_Standard Time: 2183.01.03_

* * *

He found her on the crew deck, eyes fixed on something beyond the small window. She had a coffee in hands and was in casual wear – cargo trousers, a black N7 hoodie, her feet bare, toes curled against the cold metal floor. And she had her hair out of her bun. Waves cascaded to her shoulders, a few wayward strands of a fringe dangled near her eyes. She had a serene look on her features, something in her eyes that reminded him of a child on Christmas Eve. Such wonder in her gaze.

He came closer carefully, not sure if he was intruding. It was rare to see the Commander so at peace. But as he came closer, he saw what she was looking at through the window. A large, blue and white planet against the darkness of space. Familiar a sight.

_Earth_.

"Hey."

She looked over a shoulder when he spoke and smiled one of her rarer smiles, the one he liked to think she reserved for him.

"Isn't she beautiful? Just look at her... so peaceful and bright..."

He sat down next to her as she spoke of Earth like it was the most miraculous thing to her.

"When have you seen her last?" he asked. She chuckled and shook her head.

"That's just it... I've never been..."

He blinked perplexed.

"Never?"

"Nope."

"You've _never_ been to Earth?"

"I was born on a ship, Kaidan. I was raised in space. I was on Earth once, when I was barely even a year old, for my parents to present me to my mother's family in New Delhi. But I don't remember that, I was too young. And my dad, he never cared much. He's from Mindoir, that's where his heart's at. To him, Earth is just another rock. Growing up for me was... just a collection of ships."

"What about your Alliance Training?"

"Arcturus," she said with a shrug. "The longest I've ever been on a planet were the 6 weeks recovery on Elysium."

"Wow," he said, then laughed a little. "The Great Commander Shepard... who has seen basically every corner of the Galaxy... has never been to good old Earth."

"Shut up," she grumbled and bumped into him with her shoulder. He laughed and shook his head, and for a moment he was _almost_ certain this situation – just the two of them, alone on the crew deck, out of uniform, off duty for the day – would have _actually_ allowed it for him to put an arm around her shoulders and hold her, just for a moment. But he called himself to order. "You grew up on Earth?"

"Except for the couple years on Jump Zero, yes."

"Tell me about it."

He looked over at her and there it was again, that almost innocent excitement. She had said her father saw Earth as little more than a rock, and from what he had learned about her mother, Captain Hannah Shepard had always loved space, much like her daughter. But the Commander, the way her eyes lit up at the mere mention of Earth... it meant more to her than to them.

"Well... it's... it gets rather cold where I'm from. But we have some of the greatest sunsets. Earth is just at the right distance, if you ask me. My parents house looks over English Bay, we have our own access to the beach. It's mostly rocks, but the water is clear and not as touristy as you'd think. We used to have BBQ there, all the neighbours invited... those were good times."

"I'd love to see it..." she said absent-mindedly staring at the planet out there.

"I'll take you."

He had said it before he even thought about it – which seemed to happen a lot when he was around her. But by now it really did not matter anymore, did it? Their almost-kiss the other day? That had kind of obliterated the boundaries between Commander and Lieutenant. He still remembered it, that small hint of her lips he had been able to touch, the salty taste. He still remembered her breath, hot on his lips, her body so close. They were so far down the deep end, there was no going back and they both knew that. Hell, he doubted _anyone_ on this ship actually bought their pretence. Even Liara – the asari who had herself declared that she knew nothing about human behaviour or customs or culture – had approached him the other day, asking if he and the Commander were in a relationship. If they could not even fool her, he had to wonder just how obvious it had to be to the rest of the crew. So what was the point in hiding?

"Really?" she asked.

"Sure. Next shore leave, I'll show you Earth."

She smiled, that smile again, that smile that could melt his heart, burn his soul, set him on fire.

"Where did you say you were from?"

"Vancouver," he said. He leaned closer to her, searching the planet before them. They were facing most of North America and once he had his bearings, he spotted the west coast, the centre, the small dent that was English Bay. Only then did he notice that he had leaned so close to her that their cheeks were almost touching, his chin almost resting on her shoulder. He now reached out and pointed at the speck on the globe that could be called Vancouver. "If you squint... it's right... there..."

She smiled, but did not say anything more. She simply nodded and then, to his own surprise, she leaned over, her forehead lightly against his temple and it would be so easy, just to turn his head a little and kiss her. It would be the right moment. He always wondered: what is the right moment to initiate a first kiss? This was it, he knew that now. He carefully put an arm around her, to see how she would react. If she would pull away, he would back off. If she gave him any signal that she did not want this, he would not push. But she stayed, even moved a little closer. When she turned, just a little, their noses met and he stumbled and fell into her eyes just before she closed them.

It was not so much a kiss as it was a tentative exploration, testing the waters, seeing how far in this they really were. If this kiss would be just that – a simple kiss – or if it was meant to be more. And he was quite certain it was meant to be much more. Her lips were soft, warm, tasted of coffee and faintly of toothpaste. The hand not resting on her shoulder came to cup her face, fingers gently tangled in her hair. Her breath was shaking just a little, he leaned in closer to catch it, their kiss deepened. He could feel her fingertips through his shirt, felt her cling to the fabric at his side, while her other arm came around his neck, her fingers in his hair, gently caressed his scalp. Oh, this kiss was _so much more_.

They parted only because they heard the elevator door and knew it meant someone was on deck with them. But they lingered close for a moment longer, eyes locked. Neither of them spoke and then Shepard finally got up. Her hand stayed in contact as long as possible, travelled from his side all the way up his torso to his face and he leaned into that touch, pressed his lips to her palm once before she was finally gone with the words 'I should tell Joker to set course for Virmire.'

That kiss stayed with him. It stayed with him through the darkness, it stayed with him on Virmire, where he looked death in the eye, it stayed with him beyond that. He knew that if he died that day, he would have died at peace, because he had had that one, perfect kiss, that he would be able to die knowing that at least for a moment, he had been in the heart of this magnificent woman.

The same woman who would come to save him.

* * *

**Author's note:**

_I know I know, they don't canonically kiss until the night before Ilos. But while I was writing this it just sort of... felt right. So I decided to kinda go with it, what the hell. My universe, my rules :P And I just love fluff!_

_Earths significance for Jemma Shepard will be a recurring theme in everything I am yet to write about her. Moreso the further down the road her story goes. _


	17. After Virmire

**After Virmire**

_Pressure levels normal. Oxygen levels normal. Temperature: 67 F._

_Location: Virmire orbit _

_Standard Time: 2183.03.03_

* * *

Liara:

They had come back quiet. Too quiet. Liara ran to meet the ground team in the cargo bay. Shepard was half carrying Alenko, he was injured, she did not look much better herself. Wrex was keeping geth off their tails and Tali had set up several drones to assist the krogan.

"Joker! Get us out of here! Now!" Shepard called over the radio.

"Wait. What about Ashley?" Liara asked irritated.

Shepard gritted her teeth, but the krogan replied before she could.

"No time. The bomb is hot, it'll blow any minute."

They dragged themselves to the elevator and Liara followed them, rushed in the cabin with them and helped Shepard get the Lieutenant to the med bay. They were in there for a while, she waited outside. She felt the gravitational pull in her stomach pit when Joker hit the engines with everything he had. The Normandy shook when it was caught in the last reaches of the nuclear explosion planetside, then they were out of the worst, soaring through orbit and everything went very still.

She waited, still, patient, until the med bay door slid open and Shepard stormed out. No other word adequately described her motion. Everything about her was tense, there was nothing soft to her face, to her body language. It was like she had turned herself to stone, to steel, to keep out the emotions that would surely tear her apart.

Liara knew little about humans. But she had come to know the Commander quite well. Not only had she shared a deep, mental bond with her, she also admittedly had watched the woman very careful. She had been curious, perhaps too curious to still be considered platonic, had learned everything there was to learn about the Hero of Elysium. She had studied Commander Shepard as thorough as she would an artefact and she was almost ashamed to admit it, that she had seen the woman as an object to be studied. But she was so much more now.

"Shepard-" Liara began, wanted her to talk, wanted her to cope. But the Commander stormed right past her, as if she was not there at all. She went to the door of her cabin and tried to open it, but kept typing the wrong code. Liara just watched her quietly, not sure what to do. Until finally the Commander cursed loudly and slammed her fists against the uncooperative door. She stayed like that for a long time, then she slowly sank to her knees. Not a sound came from her, but she was trembling.

Was she crying?

Was Commander Shepard, this incredibly strong-willed, fierce, majestic woman, this war hero, _crying_?

Liara wanted to go to her, she wanted to help her, in any way she could. But she realised there was nothing she _could_ to. Nothing she could say would be adequate, would mean anything. The Commander had lost people under her watch before, Williams was not the first. But this had to be different. Everything about this mission had to feel different. It took her a while to finally wake from her paralysis and come closer to the woman. When she noticed her approach, Shepard turned around, leaned her back against the door and looked up. Liara was not sure if she had really been crying. There were no tears in her eyes, but something much worse. _Defeat_. "Shepard, you can't give up now. We got him. We blew up his lab, he can't use that anymore. Whatever he does now will be out of panic."

Shepard looked up at her, eyes blank.

"Saren is not the problem, Liara. He never was. Saren is a tool, he's just an instrument. Sovereign… Sovereign is the real threat. I saw it. I spoke to it. It's not here to uplift the geth, or to destroy the human race. It will destroy _everything_, all organic life in the Galaxy. Sovereign is a Reaper. And it will bring thousands more… We will be overrun… and there is nothing I can do to stop it…"

"Don't say that! There is _always_ a way, as long as you keep believing!"

"Liara, stop. I am not some… Chosen One, or whatever. I am the idiot who threw herself in front of a guy and accidentally got prothean data burned into her brain. I am _not_ special. I am just a soldier and this is… too big…"

"That's where you're wrong. It's not one thing that makes you special. It's a collection of things. It's how you grew up, how you were raised, it's your experience on Elysium, it's everything that happened to you since then. The times you hit rock bottom, the times you picked yourself up. All of it led to this. All of it made you the woman you are now, the woman the Galaxy needs at this specific moment in time. It had to be you. It _always_ had to be you. You _can't_ give up, Spectre!"

The Commander sat still and quiet for a long time, just looked up at her with these powerful eyes of her, and Liara started to feel like an utter idiot. Then the Commander activated her radio again.

"Joker, call the crew to the comm room, debriefing in five."

"Aye-aye, Commander."

She pushed herself up from the floor. Commander Shepard did not need her helping hand, Liara had learned that much from her. She had wanted to be that person for her, had wanted to be a pillar of strength for Shepard, but had learned that she was not. The Commander's heart belonged to another and she would turn to no one else for that strength, would lean on no one else. But Liara found a kind smile on the woman's face.

"Still not convinced. But I'll be the best I can be. I'll try to be who the Galaxy needs."

* * *

Shepard:

It had not been a choice.

No matter how much she had cared for Ashley, no matter how physically painful it was to leave behind a sister-in-arms, it had never been a choice and the Gunnery Chief had known that. There had been no choice to make, there was only ever one person she was going to save.

_Kaidan_.

Only Kaidan.

She was furious with him, and herself, outraged, but so, so relieved that he was alive. Because it had been close. It had been _so bloody_ close. Had she been just a moment later, Saren would have killed him. One minute they had been teasing and flirting on the ship, had shared this... this tender, careful kiss, the next moment she had almost lost him and it made her realise just how much, just how bloody much she –

"What the hell were you thinking?!" she yelled at him across the comm room as soon as they were alone, to interrupt her own train of thoughts because she did _not_ like where this was going.

He had been the last to get up after the debriefing and she was pacing like a caged tiger, up and down the room. He was walking with a limp, so he was slower, by the time the door had slid shut behind Garrus, Kaidan was barely halfway there. He turned to look at her irritated.

"What was I…?"

"You armed the bomb without my approval!"

"I was doing my job, Ma'am."

"That was _not_ your call to make, Lieutenant! You could have died! He could have killed you!"

"_Exactly_. And it was my job to make sure when that happened, the bomb would still go off. That was the mission, that was my job, destroy the base. I _did my job_!"

He was right. _Of course_ he was right. And _of course_ she knew that. They had all known the risk, had all known they might pay with their lives. Ashley had known, when she joined the salarians. Tali and Wrex had known when they joined her in the Shadow team. And Kaidan had known when he agreed to take care of the bomb. They had all been ready to give their lives for the mission. _She_ had been more than prepared to give her life for the mission. But she had _not_ been prepared to give _his_ life. And really, that was what she was most upset about. She was not mad at him, she was mad at _herself_, because she had made the very mistake she had been meaning to avoid. She let feelings get the better of her. She had risked the lives of everyone on that mission, had risked their success, had let Saren slip right through her fingers, had killed Ash, because she –

She what? _Loved him_? Was she… was she in love with him? Was that what was happening to her? Had this silly little crush of hers turned into more?

"That was not your job. I am the commanding officer, _I_ make the calls, your job is to follow my orders!"

"You tasked me with the bomb, you _made_ the call!"

"You could have died!" she yelled by now.

"Marine's die!" he yelled right back at her. She gasped and fell silent. _Marine's die_. Suddenly she was back in the dump of a bar on Bekenstein, sulking in self-pity and vodka and Anderson slapped her out of it. _But they all died!_ He slapped her flat across the face then and yelled _'Marine's die!'_ It shook her to the core and for a moment she had trouble breathing. She was almost certain she would faint, right there, because she could not handle it, the constant fear of losing these people on her ship. She had grown too attached, she cared for them too much. Losing Ashley… realising she could have lost Kaidan… No. _No!_

She was nearly hyperventilating when he grabbed her shoulders and shook her once. She winced, realised she had more bruises than initially thought from Saren's attack. "This isn't your fault. You did the right thing, this mission was a suicide mission and we all knew that. This is not your fault._ I_ made the call, this is on me!"

"But you could be dead and I would be left behind to live without you!"

He blinked at her utterly irritated. And she gasped at her own confession, her own brutal honesty. Maybe, just maybe, that was the moment when they both realised just how much she cared.

"Shepard…"

She pushed him away, took a step back, turned away, tried to calm down. She could not break down in tears in front of him, although she felt tears burn in her throat, cutting off her breath, squeezing her heart. Anger and fear the two most dominant emotions in her mind right now, everything was red and white and painful and –

She felt his fingertips on her shoulder, so careful, so gentle. He tried to turn her to face him, yet she avoided, because she knew she'd break under his gaze. "Shepard." He repeated, his voice low now, soft, hardly more than a whisper. His other hand came to her face, gently brushed along her jaw, sending a shiver down her spine.

She slowly turned towards him, reluctant, because in that moment she was not sure what she felt anymore. She fought the tears, and the only thing she could do was throw her arms around his neck and pull him close. They missed each other's lips only by a scrape; she felt a lingering kiss on the corner of her mouth, before he pulled her closer into his arms. She found herself pressed against his body, felt every hard muscle against her own. She was breathless with relief. Because he was real, he was flesh and blood, he was alive. She buried her face in the nape of his neck, inhaled his scent, one hand grabbed his shirt over his shoulder, the other was in his hair.

He just held her. He made no attempt to pull away, or push her away, or to demand more from this than an embrace. He could have, and she was quite certain he knew that. He knew that right about now, she would have given _everything_ just to feel that he was alive. That he did not take advantage of the situation just made her… love him more.

After what felt like a small eternity, she found the strength to step away and he caught her gaze with his, worry in his golden eyes. His arms released her, but he brought his hands to her cheeks, his face so close that their noses almost brushed. "Are you okay?"

She nodded quietly, then smiled and without thinking about it, she ran her fingertips over his lips, those lips she wanted to kiss more than anything else in the Galaxy.

"You know…" she began and met his gaze. "When all this is over… we should really take an extended shore leave. Just you and me. Figure out what this is… what we are…"

He smiled the most beautiful smile she had ever seen and nodded.

"I'd like that."

* * *

Garrus:

He had the Mako secured and had not turned around so far. He had avoided it. The many conversations he had had down here with Shepard resounded in his mind.

_It's not about victory at all cost, Garrus._

He slowly turned towards that empty niche at the weapons bench. Her assault rifle was still disassembled there, she had left it there this morning when they went for the Virmire drop, said she'd finish it later. And now she was gone. One never really noticed the silence until it devoured one like a black hole.

Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams was gone.

He had spent a surprising amount of time down here with her. At first it had been a little stiff, formal. He knew she did not particularly like aliens, especially turians, given her family history. He had tried his best not to hold it against her but with that came that they had relatively little to do with each other at first. Over time however, she changed. She had snapped out of it, he did not know why. Maybe Shepard had had a word with her, but either way, she had approached him.

_"So I noticed you're using the M12 Mantis,"_ had been the first real thing she said to him since they left the Citadel other than the daily '_Morning_'. It had surprised him, but he had responded in kind. Told her what he liked about the rifle, she had nodded, looked interested. She had suggested some mods and one day, before he really knew what happened, she presented him with a modified _Mantis _sniper rifle. He had thanked her, had not used it thus far, it just sat in his locker… but now he would use it. After that, their exchanges about weapons became more frequent. They realised they may not have much in common otherwise, but they both liked big guns and that was a good place to start.

Garrus would not have called Ashley Williams a friend. But she was a comrade. She was someone he knew he could rely on, someone he would have trusted with his life on the battlefield. And now she was gone.

Her absence hung over the Normandy like a dark blanket. It was too still now, too empty. Wrex was still up in the med bay, so he was all alone, popped a flask and stared at the empty spot where Ashley Williams used to work. In her bubble-gum pink armour.

And he realised: He would actually miss her.

* * *

Wrex:

One minute everything had been good.

Then everything went from bad to worse to _hell_. One minute they were trying to learn the whereabouts of an infiltration unit. Then they were trying to blow up a cloning facility.

Today, he had seen his life flash before his eyes. All the shit he had been through, all the shit he had done. And there were few moments, so very few, he could really treasure. Two such moments stayed with him on Virmire and beyond.

_Arriving back on the Normandy with the Mako the other day, he had been laughing all the way back, could barely breathe now. Shepard's face was bright red and she kept insisting it was not funny. But it damn well was, the way she flinched and apologised to the pyjaks she had accidentally run over and squished with the Mako. He sometimes wondered how the battlemaster who could take out a whole unit of geth in one demonic surge of biotic power and gunshots could be the same woman who was so soft about annoying monkeys. _

_The same woman who had helped him retrieve his family armour after years and years of unfinished business. _

Then he was suddenly staring down her gun. He played that moment in his head over and over and over. They were pointing guns at each other. No one ever survived an armed stand-off with a krogan. But there she was, that human woman he had grown to respect so much. It was the first time he really noticed her eyes, the determination in them when she lowered her gun. Only a crazy person would lower their gun when there was an angry krogan standing before them. But Shepard was not crazy. She was just… _good_. And well, she probably knew Williams and Alenko would have put him down like a rabid dog if he had so much as flinched a muscle. But that did not change the fact that she had lowered her gun first. Her words rang in his ears.

_"__If you honestly believe it, if you honestly think Saren wants what's best for the krogan, if you honestly think I am the enemy here, then shoot! Go ahead! Because if we start turning on each other, we've already lost, so what's the fucking point?!"_

He had thought about that long and hard. And had come to the only real conclusion: _Saren was full of shit._ That turian would pay for using the krogan – _his people!_ – as tools with no agency._ Enough!_ They had been pawns too long, they had been passive too long. Things needed to change. She had opened his eyes to that. He had once said to her that he was not like her, that he was no hero. Perhaps it was time to change that. Perhaps it was time for him to krogan up and take responsibility for his people, his clan, the future of his kind. If nothing else, that was what he would take from his time spent on the Normandy. That's what he would take away from these people who were willing to give everything for the greater good. Williams, Alenko, Shepard, they had all been prepared to give their lives to stop Saren, to end him here and now. Williams had even given her life to save these salarian idiots. All because they believed in something bigger. Maybe it was time he believed in something bigger, too.

A future for the krogan?

Now that was something to believe in.

* * *

Tali:

She watched the quiet, soothing pulse of the drive core. Adams and the other engineers did not speak, and she certainly would not. Not now. A friend had died and the silence was the only way they could honour her now. The silence of space. The quarian's believed all life comes from stars turned to dust and when we die, we return to the dust. Return to the silence of space. And to honour the fallen, there would be silence. Ashley Williams had returned to the silence today. Tali had not been close to her, not like Shepard, or even Liara had been closer to the human Gunnery Chief. Tali had actually been a little intimidated by her at first. But over time she had learned that Ashley was a sweet girl. A big sister.

Tali remembered one talk in particular. She barely remembered how they had gotten to the topic, and it was certainly not something you would chatter about when inflitrating a geth base on a small planet. But somehow they had talked about their experiences with men and Tali somehow let it slip that she indeed had her heart broken once. That it took a great deal of trust for a quarian to initiate intimate contact by linking suits, that it almost always meant a flu or something similar would take them out for a few days. She had thought he was the one, he just had his fun and afterwards he never spoke to her again and when she asked why he said she was being clingy. It was not something she normally talked about, among other quarians she would feel embarrassed, but somehow she could talk about it with the humans. First she had been scared because the people on the ship did not understand her culture, her kind - but she had come to actually find it quite liberating that no one judged her by some impossible quarian standard.

Ashley, anyways, had gasped, visibly upset by her confession.

"What?! What a jerk! He just played nice to get in your pants... I mean, in your suit, and then just dropped you?! He better hope I never meet him, he'd have my boot so far up his ass he'll taste rubber!"

Tali had laughed and Ashley had laughed and after that, every time they met on the deck, they chuckled a little and Ashley talked about her sisters and Tali wondered what it was like to have sisters (only-child that she was). And Ashley had officially declared she was now an honorary Williams' sister. She belonged. Tali had gone out on her pilgrimage expecting to find the only place she could truly belong was the Migrant Fleet. But she had found a family here, a family in all shapes and sizes and species. A family she loved. And the loss of even a small part of that family hurt.

"Adams," she finally asked, breaking the silence. The engineer looked up. "How do humans mourn their dead? Do you say something special? A tradition?"

"Um... we usually wear black for a day or something."

"And where do you return to when you die?"

"We kind of... we mostly bury our dead, in graves."

"Ah..."

Quarians had not buried their dead in generations. But to bury their dead on their homeworld... it was the dream they all secretly had. To rest in peace under the stars of Rannoch. "We do not bury our dead. But I understand why you would want your dead to be in the ground of their homeworld... we have a saying - _Keelah Se'lai_ - it means 'By the homeworld I hope to see one day'. And most of us never will. It is said as farewell to someone who departs... _Keelah Se'lai_, Ashley Williams. May you rest among the silence of the stars and see your homeworld again..."

Adams watched quietly, Tali had not once taken her gaze off the drive core. But she then heard him, and two other engineers mutter:

"_Keelah Se'lai_."

* * *

**Author's note:**

_Took me long enough to finish this chapter up, but I really wanted the whole crew to have their thoughts. (Except Kaidan, he didn't get his own piece because he will be haunted by the Virmire events for the rest of his life anyways, so that will come again in future pieces when I tackle ME2 and ME3... and well, he's had a lot of voice here already, while Garrus, Wrex and Liara never had a POV segment, so here they are :) ) The Shepard and Kaidan confrontation is different from the in game one because I really thought they needed to actually confront each other about this without the rest of the crew present. Wasn't it just awkward that they had this conversation (much calmer than my version here) and then the camera zooms out and everyone is there and it's all really really,_ really_ awkward? Yeah, none of that for me please.  
_

_I have decided to lower the 'parental guidance' thingy because I have decided not to go too explicit with the pre-Ilos scene - you'll get some, but not as heavy as I had in mind (might post it independently some other time, it was just really long and reading it back id didn't flow as I liked it anymore...). Instead I am working on a Mass Effect/Dragon Age crossover that will be much steamier and bloodier than this has been so far, so you might wanna lookout for that ;) It will centre on Shepard and Kaidan, but there will be Thane as well, lots and lots of Thane!_

_Anyways, more to come here, we're not done yet!_


	18. Grounded

**Grounded**

_Pressure levels normal. Oxygen levels normal. Temperature: 67 F._

_Location: Virmire orbit _

_Standard Time: 2183.05.03_

* * *

He found her on the crew deck, by the lockers, halfway hidden. She sat on the floor, seemed so small, so vulnerable, like a bird with clipped wings. Exactly what she was, with the Normandy in lockdown. She looked up when she heard him and at the sight of her absinthe eyes, the memories of Virmire came flooding back.

The attack of Saren, how she had showed up and saved his life, had taken the beating in his stead. They had both been nearly killed. And Ashley was lost. The empty chair in the debriefing. Then their fight, dissolved when they both realised the only reason _why_ they were fighting was because they cared too much. And then… that moment they shared. Oh how he had wanted her then. That had been one long, cold shower to calm down. He could have taken her, then and there, she would have let him, he knew that. But that was not what he wanted. He did not want a mindless, admittedly unromantic hook up in the comm room, a quick pleasure before someone could catch them. He wanted time. He wanted all of her, and she deserved all of his attention. He wanted to draw moans of pleasure out of her, wanted her to whisper his name, to _scream_ his name when she came. If that meant waiting until this madness was over, he would. If nothing else, it was a reason to survive.

All that went through his mind when he met her gaze and he wondered if her thoughts went in a similar direction. Her head leaned back against the locker.

"I can't even get my armour out."

"The Alliance…?"

She shook her head.

"Official channels are closed. We're grounded."

He sighed and dropped on the floor next to her, shoulder brushing shoulder.

"Grounded... So what do you think will be the spot with the best view for when Saren rolls through here and blows up the Citadel?"

She laughed a weak laugh and shook her head.

"Kaidan, I will figure this out. And I need you to be there."

He glanced over at her. Her head leaned back against the locker and she had her eyes closed.

"You know you can count on me. Or any of the crew."

She chuckled, opened those green eyes of hers and turned towards him.

"I'm not asking the crew, Kaidan. I can get a salute from anyone on this ship. Sometimes... I need a shoulder."

"I... I know..." he did, he really did. But he was used to keeping people out, and he knew so was she. He knew they both preferred their clear lines, but things between them were getting... muddy. He was not sure anymore where service ended and emotion began. "I just... I like to keep a way out, you know that. But I am here for you. Through all of this. It's just... messed up. Are we the pride of the fleet, or a disgrace? Are we valued agents, or just peons they sacrifice strategically in their game?"

"Is it so hard to just tell me it will all be alright?"

He laughed weakly.

"That easy, huh?" he smirked, reached over and pulled her closer so she could rest her temple on his shoulder. "Careful, here it goes: ... Everything will be alright. You'll figure it out."

He only just managed to guess the smile tuck at her lips and she stayed this close to him for a long, quiet moment. He drank it in, the feeling of her, so close, the scent of her hair, the pleasant little extra weight on his shoulder, even if just a fragment of the beast of a burden she had to carry around every day...

"See, that wasn't so hard now, was it, Lieutenant?"

"I can get used to this..." he mumbled, closed his eyes. "You know... I guess we have some downtime now..."

He felt her move next to him and blinked his eyes open when he felt her shift closer. Her fingertips brushed his chin and these eyes of hers were impossibly close. And he suddenly felt like a love struck fool, unable to focus on anything other than her perfectly kissable lips.

"And what do you suggest we do about that?" she asked, her voice a low, husky murmur he felt shake through his nerves, set him on fire. He reached for her hand, fingers entwined, her warm breath on his lips. He leaned closer, brushed her nose with his. It made her smile and lower her gaze, almost shy and sweet, nothing like the Commander Shepard she was with others. He was glad to be so blessed, so trusted that she would show this soft side of her, the side that was not a soldier and hero, but a woman, not burdened with protecting the Galaxy. He leaned closer still, until their lips touched, feather light, no force behind the kiss. A gentle stroke along her lower lip, her breathe staggering ever so slightly as she held on to him before they leaned into their kiss. One that was no kiss at all, it was a promise, a vow, a love letter in a touching of lips. The warmth of her body was almost painful, so great the desire to touch her skin. A soft moan escaped her when she forced her lips away from his. "Kaidan…" she whispered.

"I-"

_I love you_. Could he say that? Could he just blurt that out? After all they had been through, it seemed silly to ponder over something like that. _Of course_ he loved her. She had to know that, right? Was it not obvious in the way his entire Galaxy had come to revolve around her? Still… he had never said these words to anyone and by now he was… scared of them, perhaps? Scared of admitting that he could not imagine a life without her, when he knew how fragile both their lives were, their very existence currently in a gamble. But should that not be a reason to say it? Every day, over and over? With every breath he took, to tell her that he loved her, and loved her, and loved her, for all eternity. Because it could be over so soon, and what if he never got the chance again? "Shepard, I-"

"Commander, I got Anderson on the line. He needs to speak with you."

She bit her lip when she pulled away, closed her eyes, but lingered in his arms. _Joker_. Oh how he hated his brother in arms right now, for interrupting what could well have been the most important moment of a lifetime.

"This better be urgent," she replied to the radio. He smiled and nodded, pressed his lips to her temple before he finally let go of her hand. He watched her leave towards the stairs, they never took their eyes off each other.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

_Yeay for more Shenko fluff! And yeay for Joker, the ultimate cockblock! _

_Not much else to say about this chapter really. It's how I wanted that scene to go (I think by now I have reached the point where I just don't care what's canon anymore...)_

_Have fun and comment and there is more coming up!_


End file.
